June 29, 2016

Here are twenty things husbands wish their wives understood about them:

  1. We don’t know how we “feel” about things, we only know what we “think” about things. When you ask us how we “feel,” our processor gets stuck and we have to shut down the system and reboot so we can speak again. That’s what the empty stare means!
  1. Our brains are more like Twitter than Facebook; we can’t process more than about 144 characters at a time. So just abbreviate the details and get to the point.
  1. We just need the facts; all other information is unnecessary and unwanted!
  1. If it can’t be conquered, climbed, protected, or built we are not interested.
  1. We need tools – it doesn’t matter if we use them. We need the biggest engine, the most horsepower, the fastest whatever…POWER IS GOOD UGH!
  1. Of course we think about sex all the time! God gave us the responsibility to populate the planet and we take this call seriously.
  1. We were put on the planet to fix things. In fact, even Jesus was a carpenter before He was our Savior. So sharing a problem with us that you don’t want solved feels like going to a restaurant to stare at the silverware.
  1. We are going to pick up our underwear, we are just letting them air out for a few days so they don’t stink up the washing machine.
  1. We see the stoplight and we plan to stop, but it could turn green before we get there so why wear out the brake pads unnecessarily? And, yes, it’s important that we get to the next light before everyone else…WE WIN…everything is a competition to us.
  1. We are not “playing” video games. That’s a life simulator and we are practicing protecting our wives and children from evil enemies. Baby, we’ve got to be prepared!
  1. We don’t have a feminine side!
  1. Grunting is shorthand in the spirit.
  1. We flex in the mirror to make you feel safe.
  1. We process long conversations better by not making eye contact. We are listening.
  1. We are not being dramatic; when we are sick we need all of our children near us…that’s why we moan so loudly.
  1. The children were being rough with us first; they started it!
  1. We were going to take out the garbage, we were just waiting for it to be full so we don’t waste garbage bags.
  1. We are not “yelling at the TV,” we are interceding for the quarterback.
  1. Your hair always looks great and you don’t look fat in that dress. Your hair always looks great and you don’t look fat in that dress. Your hair always looks great and you don’t look fat in any dress, not just that one. (Okay, memorize these lines.)
  1. We are sorry for whatever it is we did that we weren’t supposed to do, and the things we didn’t do that we should have done. That includes things we said that we shouldn’t have said, and things we didn’t say that we should have said. This includes holidays we missed, including birthdays, anniversaries, and the day we met.  Sorry!

Written in fun and only partly true!

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What would you add to this list? Tell me about it in the comments below.

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