Kris Vallotton • December 13, 2019

A Tough Christmas in the Vallotton Home (and What We Learned From It)

Christmas is one of the most beautiful times of the year and yet, for many, it can be filled with stress, striving and straining of our wallets, time and energy. We make lists, we check them twice, we race through stores to find the holy grail of gifts; blinded by our own agendas to make Christmas morning “perfect.” While I know that the heart behind this behavior is often a pure desire to love on the people you treasure the most, it’s so easy to forget the big picture. Beyond that, when we set our focus and attention mainly towards the material things that come along with this season, we can often breed an attitude of entitlement in our little ones. This is something we personally learned the hard way and it all came to a head on a tough Christmas in the Vallotton Home.

Christmas has always been the most celebrated holiday in our family. We did not have a lot of money when our kids were growing up, but we always did our best to make sure that each of our children had at least one really great gift under the Christmas tree. Now, we have nine grandchildren (with one more on the way), and our financial situation has improved dramatically. Our celebrations have taken on sort of an air-of-prosperity that at times seemed a little overboard and dysfunctional to me.

The whole thing came to a climax at Christmas 2012 — one of the toughest Christmases I experienced. That year, each of our children and grandchildren gave Kathy a “Christmas want list,” as has been our tradition for more than three decades. But unlike most years, where Kathy would sift through the list and choose a few things for each person, she instead decided to get them everything on all their lists.

By the time Christmas Day arrived, the tree had literally disappeared beneath the gifts that were stacked to the ceiling. Morning came early and we gathered around the Christmas tree and began to tell the Baby Jesus story. The narrative concluded and I began to give out the gifts. Nearly two hours passed as wrapping paper slowly filled every empty spot on the floor. Suddenly, a whimper to my left broke ranks with our laughter…

SEEDS OF ENTITLEMENT
…the room grew strangely silent. I noticed that my daughter was whispering a strong correction to one of her children. This child got up from the floor, cheeks streaming with tears, mumbling defiantly all the way to the bedroom. I immediately questioned the child’s mother to determine what had caused the outburst, and I learned that “Grandma missed one gift” from the child’s Christmas list.

“But we bought the kid fifteen presents!” I protested.

“I know, Dad. Don’t worry about it,” my daughter responded.

Kathy retreated to our office and a minute later re-emerged with her Christmas lists in her hand. “I did forget one gift,” she said with compassion. “I’m so sorry,” she explained while choking back tears. Trying to smooth the situation over, she added, “I’ll go tomorrow and buy the gift I missed.”

The rest of the family joined in on my protest, reassuring her that the child needed to get over it.

I was furious inside but I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to ruin Christmas for everyone else. However, Christmas was wrecked for me! I could not go to sleep that night. I just lay there reflecting on my grandchild’s attitude and musing over our failure to instill gratitude in them.

In our quest to bless our family, we had unknowingly sown seeds of entitlement into the soil of their little hearts for years. I was determined to fix the problem. I wanted no part in raising spoiled brats who would grow up to become monetary monsters!

GRATITUDE OVER ENTITLEMENT
Kathy and I decided that Christmas 2013 was going to be different. We would atone for the transgressions of the past holidays and begin to instill gratitude into our beautiful, young, ungrateful creatures.
Our plan was to buy them each one great gift. But most importantly, we decided to choose some extremely poor families with children and have our grandkids buy gifts for them (with our money), and then deliver them on Christmas Day.

When Christmas Day finally arrived, we loaded up the gifts and drove to the apartment complex to give the presents to the children. All seven of the grandkids we had at the time stood silently at the front door of the first apartment. I lined up all the grandkids facing the door, gifts in hand, and knocked. The door opened and smoke poured out over the threshold as a maybe forty-year-old woman emerged from a dark, smoky room.

“Merry Christmas!” we all shouted in unison. Suddenly, eight little kids rushed the door from the inside, fighting for who was going to get out first. Our kids sheepishly handed them their gifts, and all of us watched with our hearts in our throats as they hurried back into the front room, where the floor was covered in wall-to-wall mattresses. They ripped the wrapping paper off their gifts, laughing and screaming as each present was unveiled.

We just stood there speechless, trying to wrap our brains around the intense pain, which was somehow intermingled with this peculiar joy our hearts were experiencing. The scene repeated itself two more times that afternoon as we completed our Christmas mission. It is hard to explain my grandchildren’s moods as we got in our cars and headed back to the house to finish our own gift exchange. But it should suffice to say that they never complained about their gifts again !

THE FINE LINE BETWEEN ENTITLEMENT AND INHERITANCE

This story played out in my family, but I see it playing out all over society and even in the Church. The challenge with each generation building on the previous generation’s accomplishments is that we often forget the sacrifice it took to give us such an amazing inheritance. We tend not to value it because we did not work for it, and consequently, we don’t do what is necessary to sustain it. Just as we had to remind our grandkids to be thankful, and remember that our family didn’t always have so much, we as a Church family have to remind ourselves of the same.

THANKSGIVING BREAKS ENTITLEMENT
An attitude of thanksgiving is the only effective inoculation against entitlement and pride. So how do you inoculate yourself against these deadly viruses? The moment we lose sight of the historic exploits of our forefathers and foremothers, we begin to digress into “privileged thinking,” and inheritance becomes entitlement.

Today I want to challenge you to practice tangible gratitude and write down 5 things about the generation before you that you’re thankful for. What challenges did they overcome so that you don’t have to? What life lessons did they instill in you that you’re still benefiting from today? Share these with the young people in your life!

If you’re a parent, then I want to encourage you to make sure your children hear the stories of the generations before you. Beyond that, expose them to people who are different from them so that you can help them experience the world bigger than the four walls of your own house.

What aspects about the generation before you do you want to carry into your own legacy? What are you thankful for regarding those who built before you? How did those who went before you build a better world for you to live in today? I’d love for you to share your answers and thoughts about entitlement this holiday season in the comments below! 

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4 Lessons After 50 Years of Marriage

By Kris Vallotton • February 12, 2025
Kathy and I are celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and we’ve been together for 54. We’ve experienced highs and lows together and built a life I never imagined possible! Over the past 50+ years, we’ve learned a few things that I want to share with you to help your marriage thrive!  Know when to sacrifice pleasure for the pursuit of joy. Kathy and I have learned when to sacrifice pleasure for the pursuit of joy; this is the discipline of laying down your life for another. A practical example of this is when people find out we have horses. They say, “Oh wow, Kris, you have horses!” My response to them goes something like this, “No, I don’t have horses. Kathy has horses. I only pay for the horses.” Their next question for me usually is, “Don’t you like horses?” To which I respond, “No, I don’t like horses, but I like Kathy.” You see, I get a lot of joy out of doing what Kathy wants to do. I am willing to sacrifice my own pleasure to pursue what develops joy in our marriage. It’s not one-sided, Kathy does the same for me. 2. Forgiveness restores the standard. If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, then you know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. The person that you love and cherish at the deepest level is the same person that will stretch, challenge, and offend you. I learned this lesson years ago when my kids were teenagers. I became angry with Kathy in front of them and treated her disrespectfully. An hour later, I apologized, and she forgave me. Colossians 3:13 tells us that “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive". The truth is, forgiveness restores the standard of holiness in us and through us. 3. It’s not bad if your spouse thinks differently than you. Men and women think differently, and this is metaphorically demonstrated in the way they were created. Please understand what I am trying to communicate here. I am not at all trying to dishonor either gender. I know that women and men are equally intelligent. When Kathy and I got married, I didn’t understand marriage or women at all. I was so ignorant that it wasn’t even funny. I just had no value for Kathy’s opinion, while we were making decisions, when she refused to produce the facts for her conclusions. She often prefaced her statements with phrases like, “I feel like...,” “It troubles me that...,” “I don’t feel good about that...,” and so on. But what I learned over time, as many of my great decisions began to turn into mistakes, was that her “It feels like” or “This troubles me” were often a lot more accurate than the so-called facts! As the years have rolled on, I have learned to invite the rest of me, and my other half, my wife, into all of my decisions. And she has learned the same thing. We were made to be together. We are one flesh, a mystery that continues to unfold with time. 4. Vision gives pain a purpose. It is my conviction that we are living in a generation perishing for lack of vision. This is evident in many different areas of life, but I also see it in marriages. Having a vision for your marriage will help you persevere through the harder seasons that you’ll face together. Many years ago I had a vision where I was standing next to this elderly gentleman and could see him perfectly, but the man could not see me. The older man was surrounded by children and grandchildren telling stories about the family's history, lineage, and favor with God. In the vision he said, “And all of this began with your great-great-grandmother and great-great-grandfather.” I looked up and above the mantle of the fireplace and there was a huge portrait of Kathy and me! The Lord spoke to me and said: “You are no longer to live for a ministry—you are to live to leave a legacy! Your children’s children’s children are depending on you leaving them a world in revival. From this day forward, you will live for a generation that you will never see. You are to have a one-hundred-year vision so that you can build from the future.” This vision of our future helped us in developing a strategy to apprehend God’s goals for our lives, and it was the fuel that kept us going in the harder seasons. Consequently, from that day on, we began to build from the future, as the Lord had said. Let me be clear: you don't have to have a literal vision like I did, but you should have a vision and a direction for the future! ​​Your marriage isn’t just about you, it’s about the generations that will follow. The truth is, the way you love, lead, and fight for your marriage today is building a legacy for your children and their children. So take time with your spouse, dream with God, and dream with each other. Get a vision for your family’s future! The breakthrough you experience now will impact the generations to come.

4 Spiritual Disciplines to Propel Your Growth in the New Year

By Kris Vallotton • January 1, 2025
As we step into 2025, people are often thinking about engaging in the time-honored yet unspoken custom of setting New Year’s Resolutions. Many people jump on the opportunity to develop new healthier habits and pursue positive change with the start of a brand new year. Most New Year's Resolutions revolve around diet and exercise, finances, relationships, and hobbies or personal interests. New Year's Resolutions help by giving people a vision for when they endure the challenges that come with change. Losing 100 pounds or being more diligent with saving money isn't always easy and vision gives pain a purpose! All of these areas are important to focus on, but oftentimes we neglect spiritual topics when forming our resolutions. As we focus on building our physical lives and pursuing health and wholeness with the New Year, it’s crucial not to overlook our spiritual growth and well-being. I’m going to share four spiritual disciplines you can grow in this New Year, along with practical tips to help you follow through. Some of these may appear simple, but when practiced consistently over a long period of time, they can lead to deep transformation! 1. Bible Reading This should come as no surprise, but it can be very difficult to find time on a busy day to sit down and read the Scriptures. Some people have a hard time sitting and being still to read while others are bombarded by the busyness of their lives. I want to encourage you to prioritize your time in the Word this year - I make sure to read at least one chapter each day. It might mean having to sacrifice something. Perhaps it’s waking up earlier to have an extra 30 minutes in your routine. Try leaving your Bible open on your kitchen counter the night before, so you see it in the morning. Maybe you can bring your Bible during your lunch break and have a meal with Jesus. You can even listen to the Bible on audio for your morning commute! My encouragement is to start small and build the habit. 2. Prayer Personal prayer can look different to everyone. Some people have no problem praying for over an hour a day, other people have a hard time finding a moment in an entire week! The goal here is to make sure that we are staying in communion with God. There may be sometimes where you only have two minutes to pray in-between meetings or running errands. There may be other times where you have to go into your room, lock your door and pray in secret for an extended period of time like the Bible says. Let me be clear: the goal is consistent communion with the Father. Try setting reminders or alarms on your phone to go off at certain parts of the day. It doesn't have to be long. These reminders can be specific like, “Pray for my family member” or “Pray for healing for this coworker.” You can write them down on pieces of paper and stick them to the walls in your house. 3. Community This may not feel like a discipline, but one of the most challenging things that a person's spiritual growth could face is solitude. When God created Adam he said that it was not good for man to be alone. We were created for community and Jesus was often found doing ministry and life around a group of people except for the times where he went alone to pray. Stepping out into community can be challenging. Maybe you struggle with fear of rejection, not fitting in, or you're scared of how people will respond when they really begin to know you. If you find yourself being isolated, reach out to some people. Text a friend that you know and trust and share that you want to spend more time around people. If you're part of a local church see what kind of small groups they have to offer. Community is a key for growth in 2025. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” 4. Serving When Jesus was on earth he said in Matthew 20:28 that, “Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Serving was at the center of Jesus’ ministry. He met the physical needs of people by providing food miraculously as well as the spiritual needs of people by offering salvation to everyone who would believe. When we serve people we are like Christ. There may be people coming to your mind already who have a need. They could be in your church family, or a friend from school or work. It doesn’t have to be someone you know! Try paying for someone’s coffee in line and leaving them with some encouragement. There are so many ways that we can serve people and make them feel seen and loved. When they feel seen and loved, they are often very receptive to the Gospel. The power in these disciplines isn’t just doing them once, but in repeating them over a long period of time. As Zechariah 4:10 reminds us, we should not despise small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin. My prayer for you is that what would start as spiritual disciplines would grow into spiritual devotion. That you would find joy in these things and that they would draw you closer to the Father!

3 Ways to Think Differently About Gratitude

By Kris Vallotton • November 27, 2024
During Christmas of 2012 Kathy and I learned a very valuable lesson about gratitude and entitlement… In years past leading up to Christmas we had always gotten a “Christmas want list” from each of our grandkids. Kathy would go through all the lists and pick out only a few items to buy for each of our grandkids. But that year Kathy decided to get them everything on their list! As we bought gifts our Christmas tree soon began to disappear behind a wall of wrapped presents. Christmas morning came and we gathered as a family as I shared the story of baby Jesus. I finished the story of our savior's birth and started handing out the presents. Over the course of 2 hours lights and ornaments began to emerge as our tree slowly became visible again. Suddenly I heard a whimpering cry to my left. I looked over to see my daughter giving a strong correction to one of her children. I went over to investigate and learned that the child was upset because, “Grandma missed one gift.” Kathy has overseen the administration for our businesses for our entire marriage. She’s looked over hundreds of spreadsheets, time cards, and other documents. I had a hard time believing that she would miss a gift on a Christmas list. Kathy went to our office and came back a moment later with a somber look on her face. “I did forget one gift,” she said with compassion. “I’m so sorry,” she explained while choking back tears. Trying to smooth the situation over, she added, “I’ll go tomorrow and buy the gift I missed.” In our quest to bless our family, we had unknowingly sown seeds of entitlement into the soil of their little hearts. Something that was a great sacrifice for us was disregarded in a child's expectation for more. We live in a world where entitlement runs rampant. It doesn’t always look like throwing a temper tantrum over a forgotten gift. Sometimes it can be the anger that comes when your coffee order takes too long, or it can be the person who is driving in front of you who's not driving your preferred speed limit. These small seeds of entitlement can take root in our heart and if we’re not careful they can lead to a life led by pride. Gratitude is what breaks entitlement in your life. I’m going to share 3 ways to think differently about gratitude this season. 1. Gratitude is a discipline. Gratitude is not merely a fleeting emotion but a discipline that aligns our hearts with God’s truth and His will. Gratitude requires intentionality, often going against the grain of our natural tendencies to complain or focus on what we lack. Scripture commands us to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18), not because life is always easy, but because gratitude acknowledges God’s sovereignty and goodness regardless of our situation. Cultivating gratitude as a discipline trains our souls to see life through the lens of God’s faithfulness, fostering a spirit of humility and trust. It shifts our focus from temporal struggles to eternal promises, rooting our joy in the unchanging nature of God rather than the shifting sands of circumstance. 2. Gratitude changes your attitude about situations Gratitude has the power to transform our perspective on even the most challenging situations. From a biblical standpoint, it shifts our focus from what we lack to what God has already provided, reminding us of His faithfulness and provision. When we choose gratitude, we realign our hearts to trust in God's sovereignty and His ability to work all things for our good (Romans 8:28). This perspective doesn't necessarily change the situation itself, but it changes us —replacing fear, frustration, or bitterness with peace, hope, and contentment. Gratitude reframes trials as opportunities for growth and deepens our awareness of God's presence, enabling us to face life's difficulties with a renewed attitude of faith and trust. 3. Gratitude Cures Entitlement Gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. It shifts our hearts from demanding what we believe we deserve to recognizing every blessing as an unmerited gift from God. Entitlement breeds discontentment, rooted in the false belief that we are owed something, while gratitude humbles us, reminding us that all we have comes from God's grace. As James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above," and acknowledging this truth uproots the pride that fuels entitlement. Instead of fixating on unmet expectations, gratitude cultivates a spirit of thanksgiving, teaching us to celebrate God’s goodness and approach life with humility and joy. In this posture, we find freedom from the restless pursuit of "more" and learn the richness of contentment in Christ. As we reflect on the story of that Christmas morning and the lessons it taught us, it’s clear that gratitude is more than a seasonal sentiment—it’s a heart posture that can reshape our lives. Entitlement may creep in subtly, disguised as disappointment or frustration, but gratitude stands as its cure, redirecting our hearts toward humility and joy. This season, let’s commit to cultivating gratitude—not just for the blessings we see, but for the ways God works in every circumstance. May we remember that every good gift comes from Him, and may our hearts overflow with thanksgiving, transforming how we live, love, and give. What are you grateful for? Share in the comments below!
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