Kris Vallotton • Jul 19, 2018

The Fine Line Between Loving Yourself And Surrounding Yourself With Idiots


Think about it, I’m sure you’ve heard someone say, “Oh he’s a great kid, he just got in with the wrong crowd.” You become like the people you surround yourself with. Look around you, do you see a bunch of idiots? If you don’t want to be like one yourself, then it’s time to choose your friends wisely.

MY GIANT BLINDSPOT

I had a giant blind spot in my life called entitlement. The problem is I didn’t know it was there until a trusted friend pointed it out to me. If you’ve ever come to visit us in Redding, you know that the Bethel parking lot can fill up quicker than a mall parking lot on Black Friday. I pulled up to the church one day and couldn’t find a spot, even in our staff-reserved lot! The only one available was a handicap spot in the staff lot that was never used.

We didn’t even have anyone on staff who would need the handicap spot, so I figured it was totally okay for me to park in it. Especially given that I’d literally never seen anyone use it! So I parked in the handicap spot and carried on my way.

A few days later, my friend Dann Farrelly approached me. He gently asked, “Hey Kris, I don’t feel good about you parking in that handicap spot. What were you thinking?” I immediately recounted all of the reasons I had thought through; the fact that we didn’t have any handicapped staff, the fact that the whole lot was full, and the fact that I was a lead pastor and needed to get into the building. How was this not obvious to him?

Dann responded, “Well that’s not really the point. First of all, your justifications are not true because handicap people actually need that spot even if they’re not on staff. It has a pathway that leads to other buildings they may need to get to. But the bigger deal is that you’re setting an example for staff and communicating to them with your actions, whether you realize it or not. You’re saying that you can ignore laws you don’t agree with. And breaking them doesn’t count if you’re not caught. It’s just not right.”

I thought he was crazy when he told me this! We had a passionate dialogue (read: a heated argument) and I walked away really angry. I thought about it for a few days and cooled down. I realized this was more than just a convenient place to park, and I really did have a sense that I was above the law and my years at Bethel warranted me not having to keep the rules.
I came down from my high horse and in the end, I really appreciated Dann’s feedback. He helped me to see an area of growth that I didn’t even know I needed, and I’m a better leader now because of his input.

KINDNESS IS COOL, BUT DON’T BE A FOOL

I know that some of you may be thinking, “But Kris, the Bible says to love all people!” I’m not arguing with that. We are all called to be kind to others, regardless of their state of need or brokenness. I’m not saying that you should be harsh or mean, I’m simply saying that not all people you minister to should have a place to speak into your life.

Proverbs 13:20 says, ”He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” So how do you balance your heart to love on people without finding yourself suffering harm from being a companion with fools?

The key is to give people different levels of access—to know you, to spend time with you, to speak into your life—to the degree to which you want them to influence you. Boundaries play a huge role in this. They’re a way of letting the right people into a deep place in your life.

When you’re in deep relationship with someone who is producing good fruit, you’ve allowed them to be an influencer on your life. There’s a give and take as you exchange vulnerability and wisdom with one another. On the other hand, when you allow an idiot to influence your life, the fruit in your own life will begin to look like the (often rotten) fruit you see in theirs. And in the end, you’ll find yourself looking in the mirror only to find another idiot.

LET OTHERS IN

If the truth sets you free then taking council from truth-tellers is the best way to set yourself up for freedom. Once you’ve discerned and chosen the people you want in your inner circle, it’s important to invite them to give you counsel. The tone for this is set by none other than yourself. Creating a safe space for people to feel like they can share what they’re seeing in your life is key to becoming a world-changer! So ask for feedback, then listen. How you respond to feedback will communicate how much value you have for the person sharing their opinion.

So many times people have asked me to speak into their lives and then given me the cold shoulder or argued with me when they don’t agree with my opinion. Some have even given me the silent treatment. This kind of punishment does not make me want to share with them again. I’m not saying I’m always right, and I don’t always expect people to agree with me, but I do want to feel that I’m being valued by the people I give feedback to.

The people who counsel you may not always be right, but Proverbs 11:14 says, “In abundance of counselors there is victory.” So if you want to be victorious, it’s worth the risk of asking and proactively inviting wisdom in. The truth is that we all have blind spots, things that we may not even know we need to work on, and it’s important to get the help from others to see them clearly and grow into the callings on our lives.

I’d love to hear how you go about discerning who to allow into a place of influence in your life. Let me know in the comments below.
THE BLOG

Discover more blog posts

4 Physical Habits That Lead To A Healthier Spiritual Life

By Kris Vallotton • 02 Oct, 2024
In a world that constantly demands our attention, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Social media, with its endless notifications and comparisons, can fuel stress and anxiety, leaving us depleted and disconnected. The pressure to keep up can quietly erode our sense of peace and well-being, and oftentimes we are left wondering “what happened?” Picture this: It's 2 AM, and you're still laying in bed scrolling through your phone, eyes burning from the blue light. The alarm is set for 6 AM, but sleep seems like a distant dream. You know you should put it away, but something is drawing you back in. Sound familiar? You're not alone. In fact, this scenario is playing out in homes across the world, night after night. But what if I told you that this seemingly innocent habit could be wreaking havoc on your spiritual well being? Beneath the surface of these digital distractions lie deeper spiritual realities. The Bible reminds us that we are not merely bodies or minds, but eternal souls. Ephesians 6:12 says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” When we lose sight of this truth, we open the door to struggles that impact our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. What I’m getting at is, the enemy will use the physical things of this world to lure us into a spiritual stronghold. Some of the problems that you may be facing today may be more spiritual than you think, but they can be solved in the physical! Proverbs 17:22 tells us, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." How true this is! But in our fast-paced, always-on world, finding that joy can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. So, how do we reclaim our joy and restore balance to our lives? Let me share with you 4 simple yet powerful physical habits that can lead to a healthier spiritual life: 1. Stop Forsaking Sleep There was a study done quite a few years ago that showed that since the invention of the lightbulb we are getting an hour less of sleep per night than before! Now we have smart phones that charge an arm's length away from our pillows constantly calling for our attention. Psalm 4:8 says “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Create a bedtime routine, dim the lights, and put away those screens. Your brain will thank you. 2. Soak Up the Sun We've become a society of cave dwellers, spending most of our time indoors. But our bodies crave sunlight! Make it a point to step outside every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. Let the warmth of the sun remind you of God's constant presence in your life. God made a beautiful creation, go outside and enjoy it! 3. Manage Your Stress In a world where bad news is just a click away, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. The reality is that we weren’t created to be all knowing, and we are unable to bear the burdens of the world. Only Jesus can do that! God tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 , "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Take time to disconnect, pray, cast your cares on him and find peace in His presence. 4. Move Your Body Our ancestors didn't need gym memberships – their daily lives provided all the exercise they needed. While we can't all go back to plowing fields, we can make a conscious effort to incorporate more movement into our days. You don't have to run a marathon, take the stairs, go for a walk, or have a dance party in your living room! Our bodies are wonderfully complex creations, and sometimes, the simplest changes can have the most profound effects. The challenge is to recognize that our mental health is not just about what's happening in our heads – it's about how we're living our lives. It's about the choices we make every day, from when we go to bed, how much time we spend outdoors, and the situations we allow to burden our heart. With all this in mind, I want to encourage you to take a good, hard look at your lifestyle. Are you giving your body and mind what they need to thrive? Or are you, like so many of us, caught up in the whirlwind of modern life, neglecting the basics that keep us balanced? It's time to hold to these small simple habits, and reclaim the joy and peace that God intends for us to have. Take time to reflect—are you giving your body and mind what they need to thrive? Prioritize the small habits that make up your daily life and reclaim the joy and peace God intends for you.

3 Practical Steps to Cultivate Courage

By Kris Vallotton • 03 Sep, 2024
In a world where titles and power often overshadow true leadership, courage often stands as the beacon that inspires and unites us. One of my favorite movies is BraveHeart. If you’re unfamiliar with the classic, allow me to paint a picture of the memorable scene. William Wallace, in the shadow of a castle, his makeshift army at his back, is refusing to compromise with tyranny and is fighting for the freedom of his land. With fierce conviction in his conversation with Robert the Bruce, he declares an iconic line that “men follow courage, not titles.” This courage is not about loud declarations or going with the crowd; it's about standing firm, anchored in your beliefs, even when the world tries to sway back and forth. True courage leads with integrity, inspires others to rise, and remains unwavering in the face of adversity. This is the courage that our world needs today—a courage that doesn't echo old ideas, but leads with fresh tenacity and Heaven inspired vision! Psalm 31:24 tells us to “Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who wait for the Lord.” As we are entering into this new era, the Lord is calling out the courage in people and it is our responsibility to respond to the call and take courage. Here are 3 ways you can be intentional about cultivating courage in your life. 1. Focus on your strengths not your weaknesses. One of the main reasons people don’t act in faith is because they feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. It is so easy to inventory our weaknesses and disqualify ourselves from the historic exploits God has assigned to each of us. We forget that Jesus borrowed a couple of fish and some bread from a boy’s lunch box and fed a multitude. The crowd did not eat rice and beans, because the boy brought fish and loaves. Jesus multiplied what the boy had, not what he did not have. God does not care about what you don’t have. He only cares about what you do have. 2. Face your fear Have you thought about the times in the Bible where the Lord told people to not fear. In Joshua 1:9 he tells Joshua, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I’d like to point out that this was right after Moses, their leader and patriarch for the last 40 years, had died, they were in a new land, and they were about to battle cities that were much larger than them! Fear and uncertainty would be a natural response. Fear is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to define us. Courage is what we find on the other side of fear, when we choose to confront it rather than run from it. It is only in facing our fears that we can conquer them and capture our destiny. 3. Take a risk To be courageous, one must be willing to step into the unknown, to take risks without the guarantee of success. It’s in these moments that true bravery is forged. Oftentimes people will choose to live risk averse because of the fear of uncertainty. However, embracing courage means shifting that perspective—recognizing that the potential for growth, discovery, and success lies just beyond the fear. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision to act despite it. By focusing on the possibilities rather than the pitfalls, one can transform fear into fuel, propelling them forward into new opportunities and experiences. Courage isn’t always the roaring thunder or the blazing lightning that people often imagine. Oftentimes it’s like the steady heartbeat that keeps us moving when the winds of doubt try to knock us down. My prayer is that you will be able to find that quiet strength within yourself—the kind that persists even when the world around you seems uncertain or overwhelming. Courage doesn’t always have to be loud or dramatic; sometimes, it’s found in the small, everyday acts of resilience and determination. My hope is that you will embrace this gentle faith-filled courage, trusting that it will guide you through life’s challenges, one steady step at a time.

It Takes a Lot of Work to Rest

By Kris Vallotton • 07 Aug, 2024
When was the last time you felt truly rested? I don’t mean just a quick nap or a weekend off, but deep, soul-refreshing rest? You may feel like a weary wanderer, trudging through a chaotic, concrete jungle, each step heavy with exhaustion as you attempt the ascension of the corporate ladder. Or maybe you have a feeling of dark clouds of depletion and fatigue looming overhead, the relentless rain of responsibilities drenching you in weariness, with every breath a battle for a brief respite. In our fast-paced, always-connected world, true rest has become as rare as a quiet moment in Times Square! But what if I told you that constantly toeing the line of burnout isn't what God designed and that it's actually possible to achieve more by doing less? I remember a time when I was running on fumes. I was that man who felt a constant cloud of pressure, worry, and never-ending tasks following me every day. I learned quite a bit about rest during that time, unfortunately, it was at the expense of a three-year mental breakdown, Kathy and I having to uproot our family and move to the mountains of Northern California. It quickly became evident I was in need of a deep-seated rest. The Bible speaks to this need for rest. In fact, God Himself set the example by resting on the seventh day after creation. It wasn’t just the Father though, Jesus modeled rest, by escaping to the mountains multiple times after longer periods of ministry. What I am getting at is, God takes rest very seriously! So much so that He even instructed the Israelites in Leviticus 25:1-7 to farm the land for six years, but in the seventh year, the land was meant to have a Sabbath rest. Did you catch that? Even the land needs rest! The need for rest is something that God constructed in the corners of creation. A lifestyle of true rest is something that many people desire but few actually achieve. The truth is that God has designed us to need rest, it’s not a sign of weakness or vulnerability, but rather has been etched into the fabric of your makeup. Here are 3 things that I’ve realized about rest and some tips you can implement in your life to avoid burnout and experience the benefits of the God-given rest that He has created for us to live in! 1. Rest isn’t a natural response in today’s culture. Have you ever run into someone that you haven’t seen in a while? Maybe it was at the grocery store, or at the local park during your kid's Little League game. You strike up a conversation and one of the first questions that someone asks is “ How have you been? ” Often the response goes something like this, “ Oh I’ve been really busy! ” or “ You know, just working a lot. ” Sometimes people will ask the question outright, “ Are you keeping busy? ” I’d like to point out that in American culture it has become normal to be constantly working and neglect the need for rest! Rest is a kingdom concept that God introduced. Interestingly, it's a principle that many people are eager to ignore Let me be clear: I’m not saying we shouldn’t work hard. As Christians, we should be the hardest working people out there because we are working for the Lord, not just for our boss or company. But if you want to implement a consistent and fulfilling cycle of rest in your life, then you have to be okay with going against the grain of culture and embracing the idea of rest when many people don’t! 2. Rest won’t happen by accident. This is one of the most common misconceptions when it comes to rest… Many people believe that once they “catch up” on their work or “get ahead” of their responsibilities then they will have time to rest. The truth is there will always be another task, meeting, or responsibility lurking around the corner waiting to be done. To make matters worse, in today’s culture, we have access to work at our fingertips through smartphones and laptops. In some ways, it’s a great blessing, it allows people the freedom to work from home, and increases productivity for many businesses. However; it comes at a great cost. We aren’t able to “go home” from work. One practical thing you can do is look at your calendar and create an event called “REST.” Block it out and say no to conflicting calendar invitations and create the time to rest because it won’t happen by accident. 3. Proper rest requires proper boundaries. If you don’t manage your life, others will. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. One of the biggest causes of a congested schedule is overcommitting your yes. The truth is if you want to set boundaries that allow you to rest, you're going to have to say no to opportunities and people. This can be especially hard for recovering people pleasers, but if you value your “no” as much as you value your “yes”, then you will be able to create margin to do things that are truly life-giving, and minimize the things that drain you. Let me leave you with three practical steps that you can take right now to help create more rest among a busy schedule! Embrace the idea of rest even when the culture around you doesn't! Make an event, and schedule “rest” in your calendar. Practice your no to something this week and create margin in your calendar for rest. Oftentimes people will fall into the cycle of working, burning out, and then taking a long vacation in an attempt to fix a foundational issue. I’d like to propose that the solution to consistent burnout is a cycle of regular rest. Some of us are trying to do with vacation what God wants us to do as a lifestyle! I encourage you to ask yourself: Am I resisting rest or embracing it? Have I allowed rest to become a consistent rhythm in my life, or have I relinquished control of my life to my calendar?
Show More

NEWSLETTER

Get free digital content from Kris with his weekly newsletter
 
Share by: