In a world more connected than ever through the internet and social media, the deep, authentic connection we all yearn for has become increasingly elusive. Created in God’s image, we instinctively desire to be known, loved, and belong, yet so many of us wrestle with invisible barriers that keep us isolated. What if the secret to breaking through these barriers lies not in more connections but in deeper, more meaningful ones with both God and others? How can we identify and overcome what prevents us from experiencing true connection in our daily lives?
Where Modern Research Echoes Biblical Wisdom
Dr. Brené Brown is one of America's most prominent social researchers with a bachelor’s and master’s degree in social work, and a PhD in psychology. She has written six #1 New York Times bestselling books and has one of the most popular TED Talks in history entitled, “The Power of Vulnerability.”
Dr. Brown spent six years surveying thousands of people from a broad range of races, genders, and socioeconomic backgrounds, trying to discover if there is a need that is central to life itself, which is common to all humans. After thousands of interviews, she arrived at this conclusion:
The primary need in life is connection. In fact, she said, "We are neurobiologically wired for connection; it is why we are here."
Dr. Brown went on to explain that connection is the sense we have that we are loved and that we belong, and it is a crucial need in life. Connection is what gives meaning to our lives.
So, Dr. Brown asked herself this crucial question: “If connection is central to who we are and how we live, what is the kryptonite of connection?” After another year of research, which resulted in her own personal crisis and subsequent spiritual awakening, she discovered that the answer is SHAME! She said, "The greatest enemy of connection is shame!"
Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame whispers, "There is something about me that, if people knew, would make me unworthy of connection. I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not spiritual enough, etc.…I am not worthy of love." In fact, she said, the more you don’t talk about shame, the more likely you have it.
She divided her research into two groups of people; those who walked out of shame and found connection, and those who didn’t. Then she asked herself the question, “What’s the difference between these two groups of people?” What she discovered is incredible! Everyone who walked out of shame and found connection had the same thing in common; they were ALL vulnerable! Dr. Brown said that vulnerability is the ability to be seen and known. It’s vulnerability that breaks the power of shame.
Vulnerability is the ability to say, “I love you” first. It’s the birthplace of joy, happiness, creativity, belonging, and love. As she dug deeper into her research, she found that vulnerability was ALWAYS propelled by a deep sense of worthiness. Dr. Brown defines worthiness as the belief that I deserve to be loved and I belong. In fact, it is only those who have a sense of worthiness who become vulnerable and walk out of shame.
What else is interesting is that everyone who beat shame had courage.
Dr. Brown went on to explain that courage comes from the Latin word 'cor', meaning 'heart.' It means 'To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.' In fact, the courage to be imperfect is the master key to worthiness. It takes courage to be compassionate and to be kind to yourself first, so that you can be kind to everyone else.
She found one more common thread among all the people who broke free from shame and lived a life of connection; it's authenticity! She described authenticity as the ability to let go of who you think you should be, so you can be who you really are.
I listened to Dr. Brown’s Ted Talk about fifteen times and took pages of notes. I was so intrigued by her research because she came to the same conclusion that I had come to, only from a different perspective.
Walking in the Light
The Bible says we were created for connection with God and one another. God is the head and we are His body; this is the overarching theme of the entire Bible. Condemnation is shame at work and it is rooted in sin, which is the kryptonite of connection with God, and with people. Condemnation always connects our bad actions with our identity.
But the Holy Spirit came to convict us of sin. Conviction says, you’re better than that bad action, attitude, or attribute; it is not who you are. You are a child of the King, made in His image and likeness. You are royalty, so stop behaving below your nature.
The Apostle John put it like this: 'This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet
walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we
walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' (1 John 1:5-9)
In light of Dr. Brown’s research, I would like to point out that
walking in darkness looks like refusing to be vulnerable and authentic and instead choosing to hide in shame. Reciprocally,
walking in the light is manifested by living in vulnerability and authenticity. It is stepping out of the cave of condemnation and finding the courage to live in community, which is the full expression of fellowship. The Greek word for 'fellowship,' is 'koinonia,' meaning 'the exchange of life.' What is one outcome of true fellowship? We confess our sins to one another! This is a powerful expression of vulnerability and authenticity. Look at the outcome of this radical way of life; Jesus forgives us and His blood cleanses us from all 'unrighteousness,' which is the reason why we sinned.
Are you living in shame because there is sin in your life that you’ve never told anybody about? There is supernatural power in true confession, which destroys shame and cleanses you from all evil. I want to exhort you, to find the courage or 'cor' to let go of who you are pretending to be, so you can be who you really are, through the blood of Christ. You can’t make yourself holy but Jesus can; and He will when you leave the dark cave of isolation, and step into the light of authenticity.
