Kris Vallotton • January 3, 2019

The Truth About How Secret Sin Can Impact a Whole Family

THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW SECRET SIN CAN IMPACT A WHOLE FAMILY - Estimated Reading Time: 11Minutes

Pornography is a serial killer! It violates your soul, destroys your relationships, and derails your future. Many people who are stuck in porn (and other secret sin) don’t realize the painful effect that it has on their family and children. In 1 Corinthians 7:14, the Bible says that one believing parent sanctifies the home. This truth can work the other way around and a parent can open the door to demonic activity for their whole family… people who are trapped in addiction often wonder why their children are oppressed or why their spouse is not happy, and it is often because their secret sin has opened doors and created ripple effects of pain.


The truth is that whether you realize it or not, and no matter how hard you try to hide and cover up your secret, this kind of sin breeds a myriad of effects that go far beyond the individual who is stuck in bondage!


For example, if a husband is stuck in secret sin, it can be extremely common for the wife to play the protector of the family role and try to “be strong for everyone.” But what ends up happening when the man takes the journey of healing from hidden sin and getting free from his bondage? The wife may realize that she has her own pain to work through from bearing the weight of her husband’s sin! Keep reading and you’ll see that very often this is a journey of 2 or more people getting well together. And hear me on this—the kind of bondage I’m talking about is not just relegated to pornography; it’s also about alcoholism, work addiction, or any place where you try to hide your pain.


Betsy Jacobs is an author, speaker, and life-coach and her story is one I hope many of you will glean freedom from. Check out this incredibly raw and real story of a wife who was left in the wake of her husband’s addiction to pornography, and how God intervened to heal them.

________________________________________


On our one year wedding anniversary, my husband introduced me to porn. While I was slicing up the top tier of our wedding cake that had been so perfectly preserved just for this occasion, he was planning to invite me in on an addiction that he’d held secret since childhood. What became of our marriage in the following years after that night was a literal nightmare. In my book, Awakening Your Prophetic Voice, I described our marriage like this:


“At the time, my husband was an ordained youth pastor who self-medicated with pornography. He was more than a little bitter, at times suicidal, and though he was an excellent provider his tendencies were to ‘stuff and puff.’ On the verge of an emotional breakdown, he stuffed his pain and then it came out in huff-and-puff rages that were emotional terror attacks. I, myself, was more of a ‘shove and unplug’ type—a full-blown hidden stash of junk food in every room, an emotional binge eater who used food like a cutter uses a razor blade.”


This is the sanitized version of what our life was. When my husband was Jekyll and Hydeing it, I was smiling and saying all the right things, hopeful it would work itself out but emotionally deferred in every possible way.


When he came clean and confessed to our family and friends that he needed help, I smiled and supported, again, but I was far from okay. It’s a conflicting experience to spend years fighting to protect a relationship from the very person you are in a relationship with, but his breakthrough had been my sole prayer for years and now it was here.


As I watched others console and comfort my husband during his healing process, truthfully I grew angrier by the day. I felt as if I had been abandoned in the proverbial graveyard that he dragged me to and he never once stopped to notice if I had walked out of that living hell with him. I hadn’t.


It’s truly hard to understand the complexities of why women stick by, protect, or even enable a relationship in the height of dysfunction unless you’ve walked through it. Note: I’m not endorsing or condoning women to stay in a situation that is unhealthy, I’m just acknowledging those that do. I believe, right now, there are many women who are living out exactly what I’m describing. To all the women who’ve embraced the hand of hope while standing in the long-casted shadows of a spouse’s secret shame, I’m embracing your hand now. You’re not alone.


In an effort to not disrupt his healing process, and mostly because I was emotionally numb and had lost my voice, I didn’t share with him the pain I was in…until the day I did. One unexpecting day all the words, every word, came out. I don’t remember what triggered this vomit of fury but it wasn’t pretty!


I’ll never forget looking into my husband’s eyes. Expecting he’d become defensive and revert back to old bullying tactics that admittedly I hadn’t seen in a long while, his eyes softened and he listened. The freedom that radiated from his countenance felt arrogant to my bruised and battered heart.


Somewhere in between the exhaustive screams and the hot tears, my husband told me that I needed to tell someone my side of the story, I needed to share all the ugly details. Did he mean telling about the time I found him huddled up in the garage cutting up his arms, threatening suicide while our babies were fast asleep inside? What about the dozens of times I stole his phone and spent hours in the middle of the night manically tracing his digital footprint knowing all I would discover was an utter disappointment. I wonder if he wanted me to share about the time he discovered I was contemplating divorcing him through a texting conversation with an old high school boyfriend…were these the details he wanted me to share?


It might as well have been Jesus standing across from me telling me to take heart, come out of hiding and not to be afraid, but it was God’s redemptive miracle that it was my husband who was standing in front of me. This was when I realized that it would not be devotion to a doctrine that would save my marriage. It wouldn’t be the grin and bear it terror that optimistic delusion conflicts, rather it was his swift action to enroll us in marital counseling and his full support for me to write openly about my experiences in those early years of our marriage that has healed our relationship so greatly.


My husband and I recently spent eight days in Spain celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. It was glorious! Our story is one of hope and committed friendship, but if you were to glean anything from our story I’d hope it would be seeing the difference between having true hope in times of hardships versus being deceived by optimistic delusion.


In the first seven years of our marriage, I used religious rhetoric to affirm my inaction and avoidance to allow inexcusable behavior. I placated any and all negativity and was optimistic that things would change, eventually. What I’ve come to learn is that true hope not only can envision what a better day will look like, but it empowers you to take action presently. True hope is acknowledging what can be done today as it’s taking responsibility for the future. Optimistic delusion, on the other hand, can envision a better day but it deflects responsibility and places it in a future circumstance or in the future potential of a person. This all-talk-and no-action way of living is painfully disempowering, enables unhealthy behaviors, and always defers the abundant life God has gifted you for a later day in time.


As it states in James Chapter 2, faith without works is dead; faith being the substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1). If you find the hope of your relationship deferred to a future circumstance that never seems to come, and you are heartsick from the disappointment that delusion brings, then I’m encouraging you to snap out of it! Stop invalidating the warning signs and speak up! Don’t make decisions in your pain but do seek wise counsel—share all the dirty details. This will be a guiding light out of the graveyard that delusion has you stuck in. Know this: you have a sound mind in spite of your pain, you have a voice in spite of the shame. God’s peace will be always be found when you begin to actively take hold of the gift that is your life.

________________________________________


A note from Kris: Betsy’s story happens to be the story of pornography, but people hide their pain in all kinds of things.


When facing painful situations with hope, there is a fine line between faith and fantasy. Fantasy is like false faith. I’m not talking about fantasy books or movies which are created to entertain. I’m talking about fantasy that causes you to live in denial about the facts of your life.


Fantasy and faith may both look like positivity about a negative situation, so what’s the difference? Fantasy doesn’t face the facts! Instead, it numbs you and tricks you into thinking everything is okay without ever looking at the real pain points. Whereas faith can have a vision for the future and still look at the painful facts and feel hopeful.


If you’re in the middle of something difficult, my challenge to you is this: are you able to look at the reality of your life and still feel hopeful? Or in other words, are you living in faith or fantasy? I believe it’s living by faith that creates a pathway to promise, but living by fantasy won’t create a pathway to anything real.


Have you ever been through a situation like Betsy’s? How have you chosen to live in faith over fantasy and delusion? I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below!

________________________________________


Betsy Jacobs is a writer, speaker, and life consultant/development coach. Her devotional study is used by small groups and individuals from around the world, and her coaching practice has allowed her to pastor individuals from all walks of life. She’s taught in online prophetic schools, produced prophetic curriculum and equipped the church in hearing God’s voice for over a decade. Her husband, Ben, and their two sons, Jake and Jackson, are known as a family who walks with God, who has planted them, for now, in Springfield, Missouri. You can connect with Betsy on Facebook.


THE BLOG

Discover more blog posts

By Kris Vallotton October 22, 2025
When life hurts, God is closer than you think. Learn how suffering shapes your soul and reveals His presence in your pain.
By Kathy Vallotton May 10, 2025
As Mother’s Day approached, I knew there was no one better to speak into the heart of motherhood than my wife, Kathy. Her life has been a living picture of grace, sacrifice, and Spirit-led strength. I believe her words will bless you the way her life has blessed me. Kris - Today, I want to honor the incredible women who wear the title of “Mother” with grace, strength, and unwavering love. A mother is a guiding light. She illuminates our paths with wisdom and warmth. She is the gentle hand that nurtures us in our earliest days, the fierce protector who stands by us through life’s storms, and the unwavering supporter of our dreams. Many times, Mom, our sacrifices go unnoticed. We juggle countless responsibilities, often putting our own needs aside to ensure the happiness and well-being of our family. That’s just what Moms do! My joy has always come from serving others. What some people call exhausting, I call invigorating! Even when my kids were young, I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had, comforting one of my babies because, ‘only Mommy will do.’ Love wins every time! But love has stolen my heart over and over again. In the good times and in the bad, Jesus has always been by my side, my solid rock and my firm foundation. He has been there beside you too! That big “S” that you wear on your chest didn't happen by accident. The bible says that He will never leave me or forsake me. During all of my laughter and through my many tears, He has always guided me in every situation. So when you feel weak, remember He is right by your side. When you don't think that you can move another muscle, He is your biggest cheerleader. When you get into a spot where life feels like more than you can handle, take a look at what the Lord says about you! You are Tenacious. Your perseverance is remarkable. As a Mom, you consistently push through obstacles with unwavering commitment to your goals. You are Courageous. Mom’s often take bold steps, stand up to what they think is just, even when faced with opposition or adversity. You can do this! You are Radiant. The love of Jesus shines brightly to all those who you come in contact with, inspiring positivity and hope. You are Unstoppable. Mom, once you set your sights on a goal, you exhibit an unwavering drive to help your children pursue their dreams and desires. You are Fierce. With a spirit that is unyielding, as a Mom, you will protect your family at all costs. You are Inspiring. Moms believe in their kids. We believe that all things are possible with God and encourage our families to go where no child has ever gone before! Mom, you are the architects of our character, teaching us values of kindness, empathy, and resilience. With every hug, every word of encouragement, you instill in us the confidence to pursue our passions and overcome obstacles. Your laughter brings joy to our lives, while your tears remind us of the depth of your love. As a mom myself, I celebrate not just the role you play but the remarkable individuals you are. You are the heart of the family, the keeper of traditions, and the source of unconditional love. Each moment shared, each lesson taught, and every story told weaves an unbreakable bond that shapes who we are. To all mothers, whether near or far, biological or chosen, your impact is profound and everlasting. Today, we celebrate you, not just for the love you give, but for the incredible people you are. Happy Mother’s Day! Kathy Vallotton
By Kris Vallotton March 5, 2025
Have you ever felt called to a spiritual role but struggled to find your place in it? Perhaps you've experienced a divine moment where God revealed a prophetic gift in your life, yet you found yourself wondering why others don't seem to recognize or acknowledge it. This tension between divine calling and human recognition can be one of the most challenging aspects of walking in prophetic ministry. I've spoken with countless individuals who believe God has called them to be prophets, yet they feel frustrated when church leadership doesn't immediately recognize their office. They often share powerful testimonies of divine encounters or prophetic words that confirmed their calling. But here's the beautiful truth I've discovered: authentic spiritual authority requires both divine appointment and human recognition. Scripture shows us that even Jesus "increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52). This powerful verse reveals an important principle – spiritual authority flourishes at the intersection of Heaven's approval and earthly recognition. The Bible offers us profound wisdom about this journey of walking out our prophetic calling. Let's explore three essential principles that can help you navigate this path with grace and wisdom. 1. Understand the Process Between Anointing and Appointment King David's story provides one of the most powerful examples of the gap between divine calling and public recognition. When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came upon him powerfully – yet David didn't actually become king for fourteen years! During that time, he served faithfully, developed his character, and waited for God's timing. The journey between your prophetic calling and your public commissioning is not an accident – it's divine design. This season of preparation builds the character, wisdom, and spiritual maturity needed to carry the weight of prophetic authority. Just as David was anointed three times – once by God through Samuel and twice by the people – your prophetic gift may require multiple confirmations. Remember that if you have favor with God but not yet with leadership, pushing for recognition prematurely can lead to painful experiences. As Proverbs 18:16 reminds us, " A man's gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men. " Allow your gift to create the space for your ministry rather than trying to force open doors that aren't ready to receive you. 2. Avoid Self-Promotion and Political Maneuvering It’s important to realize that even though your gift is what gets you into the room, your character is the thing that keeps you there. There's a stark warning in Scripture about gaining influence through manipulation rather than divine timing. Absalom, David's son, shows us the danger of winning people's hearts through flattery, false promises, and undermining leadership. He created a following by positioning himself as more accessible and understanding than the established authority. In today's social media age, the temptation toward self-promotion has never been stronger. We can easily build platforms that elevate our image above our character. But true prophetic authority doesn't come through marketing yourself as an expert – it comes through humble service, consistent character, and divine timing. James 4:6 reminds us that " God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. " When we push for recognition prematurely or through manipulation, we may gain a position but miss the protection that comes with proper promotion. Like Joseph, who shared his prophetic dreams prematurely with his brothers, our lack of wisdom can create a much more difficult path to our destiny than God intended. 3. Embrace the Preparation Process The weight of the prophetic office is both invisible and substantial. I've witnessed many genuinely called individuals crumble under the pressure of premature promotion. The apostle Paul wisely instructed that leaders " should first be tested and then let them serve " (1 Timothy 3:10), and warned against laying hands on anyone hastily (1 Timothy 5:22). True preparation for prophetic ministry involves more than just having accurate prophetic words. It requires developing spiritual maturity, biblical understanding, relational wisdom, and emotional health. If you sense a prophetic calling on your life, embrace the preparation process with patience and humility. Serve faithfully where you are. Allow trusted leaders to speak into your life and development. Study the Scriptures diligently. And remember that the process between the promise and the palace is not just necessary – it's a gift that prepares you to succeed when your time comes. My prayer for you is that you would find peace in God's timing for your prophetic journey. May you grow in both favor with God and with people, allowing the Lord to develop in you the character needed to carry His voice with integrity. Let me be clear- the path to your prophetic purpose isn't just about reaching a destination – it's about becoming the person who can faithfully steward the authority that comes with it.
Show More

NEWSLETTER

Get free digital content from Kris with his weekly newsletter