Kris Vallotton • February 14, 2019

What God Really Thinks About Divorce

Lately on the blog, we have dialogued about the importance of healthy marriages and their profound impact on culture today.I propose that the restoration of family and marriages will change the world, define destinies, and alter the course of history. However, the unfortunate truth is that there are many Believers who have suffered the pain of broken marriages, ultimately ending in divorce.


So what do we say to our brothers and sisters who have experienced the heartbreaking end of a marriage?


The difficulty with speaking to the body of Christ on this subject is convincing divorced people that they are completely forgiven and blessed by God, without giving those in tough marriages permission to quit!


I’m concerned that in our zeal to keep marriages together—a good and noble thing to do—we have completely marginalized an entire people group, who, by the way, are often in immense pain!


We’ve marked divorced people as our modern day lepers and banished them from connection to the Church family. In some church circles, divorce is equal to the unpardonable sin. People who have been divorced are treated as if they have the plague: they can’t serve in the church and they are not trusted.


I’m not okay with exiling a third of the church to the ice castle of shame simply because they have failed in one area of life. It is our call and responsibility as the Body of Christ to redeem and restore into the fold anyone who has been through a divorce!


PLEASE DON’T MISUNDERSTAND


The gospel is always redemptive because Jesus died to redeem mankind from all of our brokenness! Therefore whenever we apply the scriptures in a way that is unredemptive, creates hopelessness, or reduces a person’s destiny to their history, we have missed the point of the Gospel! This can pose copious challenges when the Church has the responsibility to love people in messy situations without championing choices that God is not in favor of.


I do not think divorce is “okay” and I’m not at all saying that if you’re in a hard marriage that you should give up! I love marriage and have been happily married for over 40 years. Please hear me! My son went through a divorce and it was one of the most painful experiences my family has ever been through. It was truly excruciating!


So I personally understand that when God says we shouldn’t get divorced, it’s because He wants to protect us from heartache. When God says “no” there’s always a reason. So let me be clear:


1. I am totally against divorce! Marriage is a covenant you make for life.


2. Marriage isn’t something you try out to see if you are compatible. You work at it every day because you made a covenant; you came into this relationship to lay down your life for one another.


3. Psychologists say that divorce is the second most stressful thing that you can experience in life, ranking just below the death of a child.


4. Getting divorced because you are not “happy” usually begins a descent into a pit so deep that it takes an act of God to recover from.


5. My son went through a divorce and it nearly destroyed him, his children, Kathy and me. I laid on my couch for 6 months depressed and unable to function. The stress caused my son to have MS-like symptoms for four years, and most importantly, it did untold damage to my grandkids. Thankfully, ten years later, we are all recovering. Praise Jesus!


6. When God says things like “NO,” or “DON’T,” it’s always because sin hurts people. God is not trying to control people or He wouldn’t have given us a free will or provided choices (like planting two trees in the garden).


So the idea that I would EVER do anything to promote divorce would be ridiculous and insulting. I have spent my life helping to save marriages, restore relationships, and empower people to live in covenant with joy and peace!


Now that you understand I’m a huge fan of marriage, we have to take a look at how we treat those who fail at it. We’ve ALL failed at one point in our lives, and yet God still uses and redeems us! In fact, nearly half of the Bible was written by murderers!


THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS


Here is the challenge: there are millions of people in the United States alone who are divorced and remarried. In my first 3 years as a pastor at Bethel Church, I was one of our primary marriage counselors. I averaged 6 appointments a day, 3 days a week, for all those years. I began those years with dogmatic, black-and-white perspectives on many issues, but especially on marriage and divorce. The problem was that my simple, theological perspectives, were irrelevant to many of the complex situations that I found myself trying to resolve.


Let’s look at a practical example: Say John and Beth get divorced for unscriptural reasons. Years pass and John remarries and has two kids with Ann. Meanwhile, Beth remarries Tom, who is also divorced and his ex-spouse is remarried. Now Beth and Tom end up in my office with serious marriage problems and, oh, by the way, they have had two biological children since they have been married for a few years. What do forgiveness and repentance look like for them? How can they lay a foundation to start fresh?


Do I tell them…


1. You are both committing adultery so you need to ask God to forgive you. But you also have to understand that God won’t help you restore your relationship because you both have sinned against heaven, so you will live the rest of your lives without the blessing of Jesus on your relationship.


Or do I say…


2) The two of you must ask God to forgive you and bring forth fruit of repentance by divorcing each other. The only marriage God can bless is your first marriage, therefore you must convince your original spouse to divorce their spouse and reconcile with you. Then we will help you figure out how to integrate your two children into your families by sharing joint custody.


Or perhaps I tell them…


3) The two of you must make things right with God because you’re living in adultery. Therefore you need to get a divorce and share custody of your children.


Or maybe my fourth option is to say…


4) There is no Godly solution to your problem. No matter what the two of you do, you can never be blessed even though you’re forgiven. You both screwed up and you must live with it!


This is just one of the very common scenarios that I faced weekly as a counselor and pastor. If you think that this is rare then you haven’t done much counseling. Through this experience I learned that it’s easy to have dogmatic answers to problems that you don’t really have to face yourself! Unfortunately, the world is much more complex than what a single principle will solve.


ARE WE TELLING PEOPLE THAT COHABITING IS BETTER 

THAN MARRIAGE?


Let’s continue taking a look at how we approach divorce…


If we say you can’t remarry after divorce, do people who live together instead of getting married have an advantage?


If Steven lives together with four different people over 15 years, and then finally decides to settle down and marry, the church celebrates him and the fact that he finally “gets it”! He isn’t met with shame and judgment, but rather relief and celebration!


But why can’t we apply this same celebration to someone who tried really hard to do the right thing (get married instead of just living with someone), who failed (like we all do and have in life) and then wanted to do the right thing and do better the second time around and get married again? Do you see the double standard here?! When Christians can’t find a rule in the Bible that applies to a situation they often don’t know what to do! And yet a double standard is unjust and not an appropriate answer to this challenge!


SO WHAT’S THE ANSWER?


Jesus has an answer for every situation! There’s no person, no relationship, no situation that is so bad or so complex that He cannot create a redemptive solution out of it that will ultimately lead to joy and peace for those who remain repentant and humble. The gospel is always redemptive because Jesus died to redeem mankind from all of our brokenness!


If we cannot find the answer to our challenges in black and white in the Bible, then we have to go back to our core values of who God is and start thinking from the heart of God! He’s a Redeemer who paid the ultimate price to make beauty from the ashes of our lives!


If you have ever been divorced, I bless you and say that you are forgiven! May mercy and grace flow into your life right now. I release you from anything you are holding onto from the past and encourage you to let go today. I apply the blood of Jesus to you, whether the sin was against you or whether you were the one who sinned, and say that you are now cleansed and made new. You’re not a leper! Divorce is not the unforgivable sin! And if God can use murderers to write the Bible, certainly He can forgive and recommission you!


If you are reading this and have never been divorced, I want to challenge you to repent from any judgment you’ve carried in your heart and ask God to help you gain HIS perspective on divorce. Let us be the kind of brothers and sisters who love, welcome, and champion our family into the freedom and redemption that Jesus paid for ALL OF US to have!


I know this is often a tricky subject to talk about and I don’t pretend to address the whole situation in one blog post, so I want to encourage you to check out my podcast called Life After Divorce. You can listen to it here , or in iTunes, Spotify, or Google Play.


As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!


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4 Lessons After 50 Years of Marriage

By Kris Vallotton • February 12, 2025
Kathy and I are celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and we’ve been together for 54. We’ve experienced highs and lows together and built a life I never imagined possible! Over the past 50+ years, we’ve learned a few things that I want to share with you to help your marriage thrive!  Know when to sacrifice pleasure for the pursuit of joy. Kathy and I have learned when to sacrifice pleasure for the pursuit of joy; this is the discipline of laying down your life for another. A practical example of this is when people find out we have horses. They say, “Oh wow, Kris, you have horses!” My response to them goes something like this, “No, I don’t have horses. Kathy has horses. I only pay for the horses.” Their next question for me usually is, “Don’t you like horses?” To which I respond, “No, I don’t like horses, but I like Kathy.” You see, I get a lot of joy out of doing what Kathy wants to do. I am willing to sacrifice my own pleasure to pursue what develops joy in our marriage. It’s not one-sided, Kathy does the same for me. 2. Forgiveness restores the standard. If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, then you know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. The person that you love and cherish at the deepest level is the same person that will stretch, challenge, and offend you. I learned this lesson years ago when my kids were teenagers. I became angry with Kathy in front of them and treated her disrespectfully. An hour later, I apologized, and she forgave me. Colossians 3:13 tells us that “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive". The truth is, forgiveness restores the standard of holiness in us and through us. 3. It’s not bad if your spouse thinks differently than you. Men and women think differently, and this is metaphorically demonstrated in the way they were created. Please understand what I am trying to communicate here. I am not at all trying to dishonor either gender. I know that women and men are equally intelligent. When Kathy and I got married, I didn’t understand marriage or women at all. I was so ignorant that it wasn’t even funny. I just had no value for Kathy’s opinion, while we were making decisions, when she refused to produce the facts for her conclusions. She often prefaced her statements with phrases like, “I feel like...,” “It troubles me that...,” “I don’t feel good about that...,” and so on. But what I learned over time, as many of my great decisions began to turn into mistakes, was that her “It feels like” or “This troubles me” were often a lot more accurate than the so-called facts! As the years have rolled on, I have learned to invite the rest of me, and my other half, my wife, into all of my decisions. And she has learned the same thing. We were made to be together. We are one flesh, a mystery that continues to unfold with time. 4. Vision gives pain a purpose. It is my conviction that we are living in a generation perishing for lack of vision. This is evident in many different areas of life, but I also see it in marriages. Having a vision for your marriage will help you persevere through the harder seasons that you’ll face together. Many years ago I had a vision where I was standing next to this elderly gentleman and could see him perfectly, but the man could not see me. The older man was surrounded by children and grandchildren telling stories about the family's history, lineage, and favor with God. In the vision he said, “And all of this began with your great-great-grandmother and great-great-grandfather.” I looked up and above the mantle of the fireplace and there was a huge portrait of Kathy and me! The Lord spoke to me and said: “You are no longer to live for a ministry—you are to live to leave a legacy! Your children’s children’s children are depending on you leaving them a world in revival. From this day forward, you will live for a generation that you will never see. You are to have a one-hundred-year vision so that you can build from the future.” This vision of our future helped us in developing a strategy to apprehend God’s goals for our lives, and it was the fuel that kept us going in the harder seasons. Consequently, from that day on, we began to build from the future, as the Lord had said. Let me be clear: you don't have to have a literal vision like I did, but you should have a vision and a direction for the future! ​​Your marriage isn’t just about you, it’s about the generations that will follow. The truth is, the way you love, lead, and fight for your marriage today is building a legacy for your children and their children. So take time with your spouse, dream with God, and dream with each other. Get a vision for your family’s future! The breakthrough you experience now will impact the generations to come.

4 Spiritual Disciplines to Propel Your Growth in the New Year

By Kris Vallotton • January 1, 2025
As we step into 2025, people are often thinking about engaging in the time-honored yet unspoken custom of setting New Year’s Resolutions. Many people jump on the opportunity to develop new healthier habits and pursue positive change with the start of a brand new year. Most New Year's Resolutions revolve around diet and exercise, finances, relationships, and hobbies or personal interests. New Year's Resolutions help by giving people a vision for when they endure the challenges that come with change. Losing 100 pounds or being more diligent with saving money isn't always easy and vision gives pain a purpose! All of these areas are important to focus on, but oftentimes we neglect spiritual topics when forming our resolutions. As we focus on building our physical lives and pursuing health and wholeness with the New Year, it’s crucial not to overlook our spiritual growth and well-being. I’m going to share four spiritual disciplines you can grow in this New Year, along with practical tips to help you follow through. Some of these may appear simple, but when practiced consistently over a long period of time, they can lead to deep transformation! 1. Bible Reading This should come as no surprise, but it can be very difficult to find time on a busy day to sit down and read the Scriptures. Some people have a hard time sitting and being still to read while others are bombarded by the busyness of their lives. I want to encourage you to prioritize your time in the Word this year - I make sure to read at least one chapter each day. It might mean having to sacrifice something. Perhaps it’s waking up earlier to have an extra 30 minutes in your routine. Try leaving your Bible open on your kitchen counter the night before, so you see it in the morning. Maybe you can bring your Bible during your lunch break and have a meal with Jesus. You can even listen to the Bible on audio for your morning commute! My encouragement is to start small and build the habit. 2. Prayer Personal prayer can look different to everyone. Some people have no problem praying for over an hour a day, other people have a hard time finding a moment in an entire week! The goal here is to make sure that we are staying in communion with God. There may be sometimes where you only have two minutes to pray in-between meetings or running errands. There may be other times where you have to go into your room, lock your door and pray in secret for an extended period of time like the Bible says. Let me be clear: the goal is consistent communion with the Father. Try setting reminders or alarms on your phone to go off at certain parts of the day. It doesn't have to be long. These reminders can be specific like, “Pray for my family member” or “Pray for healing for this coworker.” You can write them down on pieces of paper and stick them to the walls in your house. 3. Community This may not feel like a discipline, but one of the most challenging things that a person's spiritual growth could face is solitude. When God created Adam he said that it was not good for man to be alone. We were created for community and Jesus was often found doing ministry and life around a group of people except for the times where he went alone to pray. Stepping out into community can be challenging. Maybe you struggle with fear of rejection, not fitting in, or you're scared of how people will respond when they really begin to know you. If you find yourself being isolated, reach out to some people. Text a friend that you know and trust and share that you want to spend more time around people. If you're part of a local church see what kind of small groups they have to offer. Community is a key for growth in 2025. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” 4. Serving When Jesus was on earth he said in Matthew 20:28 that, “Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Serving was at the center of Jesus’ ministry. He met the physical needs of people by providing food miraculously as well as the spiritual needs of people by offering salvation to everyone who would believe. When we serve people we are like Christ. There may be people coming to your mind already who have a need. They could be in your church family, or a friend from school or work. It doesn’t have to be someone you know! Try paying for someone’s coffee in line and leaving them with some encouragement. There are so many ways that we can serve people and make them feel seen and loved. When they feel seen and loved, they are often very receptive to the Gospel. The power in these disciplines isn’t just doing them once, but in repeating them over a long period of time. As Zechariah 4:10 reminds us, we should not despise small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin. My prayer for you is that what would start as spiritual disciplines would grow into spiritual devotion. That you would find joy in these things and that they would draw you closer to the Father!

3 Ways to Think Differently About Gratitude

By Kris Vallotton • November 27, 2024
During Christmas of 2012 Kathy and I learned a very valuable lesson about gratitude and entitlement… In years past leading up to Christmas we had always gotten a “Christmas want list” from each of our grandkids. Kathy would go through all the lists and pick out only a few items to buy for each of our grandkids. But that year Kathy decided to get them everything on their list! As we bought gifts our Christmas tree soon began to disappear behind a wall of wrapped presents. Christmas morning came and we gathered as a family as I shared the story of baby Jesus. I finished the story of our savior's birth and started handing out the presents. Over the course of 2 hours lights and ornaments began to emerge as our tree slowly became visible again. Suddenly I heard a whimpering cry to my left. I looked over to see my daughter giving a strong correction to one of her children. I went over to investigate and learned that the child was upset because, “Grandma missed one gift.” Kathy has overseen the administration for our businesses for our entire marriage. She’s looked over hundreds of spreadsheets, time cards, and other documents. I had a hard time believing that she would miss a gift on a Christmas list. Kathy went to our office and came back a moment later with a somber look on her face. “I did forget one gift,” she said with compassion. “I’m so sorry,” she explained while choking back tears. Trying to smooth the situation over, she added, “I’ll go tomorrow and buy the gift I missed.” In our quest to bless our family, we had unknowingly sown seeds of entitlement into the soil of their little hearts. Something that was a great sacrifice for us was disregarded in a child's expectation for more. We live in a world where entitlement runs rampant. It doesn’t always look like throwing a temper tantrum over a forgotten gift. Sometimes it can be the anger that comes when your coffee order takes too long, or it can be the person who is driving in front of you who's not driving your preferred speed limit. These small seeds of entitlement can take root in our heart and if we’re not careful they can lead to a life led by pride. Gratitude is what breaks entitlement in your life. I’m going to share 3 ways to think differently about gratitude this season. 1. Gratitude is a discipline. Gratitude is not merely a fleeting emotion but a discipline that aligns our hearts with God’s truth and His will. Gratitude requires intentionality, often going against the grain of our natural tendencies to complain or focus on what we lack. Scripture commands us to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18), not because life is always easy, but because gratitude acknowledges God’s sovereignty and goodness regardless of our situation. Cultivating gratitude as a discipline trains our souls to see life through the lens of God’s faithfulness, fostering a spirit of humility and trust. It shifts our focus from temporal struggles to eternal promises, rooting our joy in the unchanging nature of God rather than the shifting sands of circumstance. 2. Gratitude changes your attitude about situations Gratitude has the power to transform our perspective on even the most challenging situations. From a biblical standpoint, it shifts our focus from what we lack to what God has already provided, reminding us of His faithfulness and provision. When we choose gratitude, we realign our hearts to trust in God's sovereignty and His ability to work all things for our good (Romans 8:28). This perspective doesn't necessarily change the situation itself, but it changes us —replacing fear, frustration, or bitterness with peace, hope, and contentment. Gratitude reframes trials as opportunities for growth and deepens our awareness of God's presence, enabling us to face life's difficulties with a renewed attitude of faith and trust. 3. Gratitude Cures Entitlement Gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. It shifts our hearts from demanding what we believe we deserve to recognizing every blessing as an unmerited gift from God. Entitlement breeds discontentment, rooted in the false belief that we are owed something, while gratitude humbles us, reminding us that all we have comes from God's grace. As James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above," and acknowledging this truth uproots the pride that fuels entitlement. Instead of fixating on unmet expectations, gratitude cultivates a spirit of thanksgiving, teaching us to celebrate God’s goodness and approach life with humility and joy. In this posture, we find freedom from the restless pursuit of "more" and learn the richness of contentment in Christ. As we reflect on the story of that Christmas morning and the lessons it taught us, it’s clear that gratitude is more than a seasonal sentiment—it’s a heart posture that can reshape our lives. Entitlement may creep in subtly, disguised as disappointment or frustration, but gratitude stands as its cure, redirecting our hearts toward humility and joy. This season, let’s commit to cultivating gratitude—not just for the blessings we see, but for the ways God works in every circumstance. May we remember that every good gift comes from Him, and may our hearts overflow with thanksgiving, transforming how we live, love, and give. What are you grateful for? Share in the comments below!
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