Kris Vallotton • April 29, 2018

Why Depending on Your Spouse (or Future Spouse) to Make You Happy Never Works

Fairytales and movies are teaching people that once they find their Prince (or Princess) Charming, all will be right in the world. They tell tales of finding “the one” who will make you the happiest person on earth. The resolution of all of life’s challenges, the deep need to be known and seen, and all the sadness in your heart will disappear once you’re married, the stories say. What a load of crap! These stories are unrealistic, and if you believe them they will set you up to sabotage the very thing you’ve been waiting for.

Finding joy in marriage is much different than putting the weight of your happiness in it. If you’re reading this and you’re married you probably know that all too well. As amazing as finding a spouse is, they don’t fill the hole that only joy can fit in.

If you’re reading this as a single person I want to save you and your future husband or wife a load of pressure and anxiety… and you can start practicing this lesson now. And if you’re already married then I hope this truth will bring some freedom to your relationship. The truth is that nobody can make you happy—not your spouse, not your friends, not your job, and not your parents. Having people in your life can bring joy, but that alone is not sustaining. You have to be in charge of your own happiness. Check out this week’s Monday Motivation video (scroll to the bottom of the page) for more on how to own your happiness and find true joy in Jesus!

In a nutshell:

I used to think that everybody was looking for something to die for, but I’d rather have someone to die for that something to die for.
One of the best ways to ruin a perfectly good marriage is to make it your spouse's job to make you happy.
The truth is, until you find someone to die for, you don't really live.
Of course I don’t want to be with someone who makes you sad… but the truth is that happiness is something that you cultivate internally.
No person can make you happy except for Jesus Christ who lives inside of you.
Do you know the difference between cohabiting and a marriage? Cohabiting says I’m in this relationship for what I can get, but marriage covenant says I’m in this relationship so that I can give.
It's a whole lot easier to live just for yourself, but the problem with living for yourself is you never really find life until you give it away.
We have exchanged joy for pleasure, and therefore many marry for pleasure, not for joy. Pleasure and joy aren’t the same thing. James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials…” it doesn’t say consider it all pleasure. So, in the midst of pain you can still have joy.
Marrying someone you’ve “fallen in love with” is an accident. If you’ve fallen once, you can fall again. A great marriage is never an accident. It’s a covenantal choice that two people make for life.
If you do fall in love you’d better make a covenant to grow in love, because what was started by accident needs to be done on purpose.
What would it be like if all of us, everyday, laid down our lives so that someone else could have life? What if we stopped chasing pleasure and started chasing joy?
Joy has a name, and His name is Jesus.
One of my greatest joys is watching Kathy do something she loves that I got to help her get to (riding horses).
Prayer: I pray against selfishness and self-centeredness in your life. God, give us grace to be able to lay down our lives for other people. I pray that you would find the joy in laying down your life for someone else, and that in doing so you would find your life.

Activation for The Week

So today I want to encourage you to find your source of life in your relationship with Jesus. He is the Giver of all good things. Stop and ask God if you’re putting someone else in the spot that He should be in. Are you expecting your spouse, boyfriend, or future husband or wife to be your source of joy? If so, repent from that today and ask the Lord to take His rightful place in your heart and in your life.

Beyond that, put away your selfishness and set your focus on giving to the people you love. How can you give up living for pleasure and start living for joy? I promise that even if the trade of pleasure for joy can sometimes be challenging, you’ll find life at the end of the exchange. I want to challenge you to do one thing this week to love someone without selfish ambition, and I bet you’ll be blessed in the process! If you’re married then I’d start with your spouse. If you’re single, then take a look at your relationships with your closest friends and family. No matter where you’re at in life, joy lies in loving others.

Have you seen the rewards of laying down your life? Maybe for your spouse? I'd love to hear your testimonies of losing your life to find it in the comments! I'd also love to hear what you think about this topic!

< Older Post

Newer Post >

THE BLOG

Discover more blog posts

Finding Purpose in Pain: The Hidden Gifts of Suffering

By Kris Vallotton • October 22, 2025

When life hurts, God is closer than you think. Learn how suffering shapes your soul and reveals His presence in your pain.

Kathy's Mother's Day Message

By Kathy Vallotton • May 10, 2025

As Mother’s Day approached, I knew there was no one better to speak into the heart of motherhood than my wife, Kathy. Her life has been a living picture of grace, sacrifice, and Spirit-led strength. I believe her words will bless you the way her life has blessed me. Kris - Today, I want to honor the incredible women who wear the title of “Mother” with grace, strength, and unwavering love. A mother is a guiding light. She illuminates our paths with wisdom and warmth. She is the gentle hand that nurtures us in our earliest days, the fierce protector who stands by us through life’s storms, and the unwavering supporter of our dreams. Many times, Mom, our sacrifices go unnoticed. We juggle countless responsibilities, often putting our own needs aside to ensure the happiness and well-being of our family. That’s just what Moms do! My joy has always come from serving others. What some people call exhausting, I call invigorating! Even when my kids were young, I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had, comforting one of my babies because, ‘only Mommy will do.’ Love wins every time! But love has stolen my heart over and over again. In the good times and in the bad, Jesus has always been by my side, my solid rock and my firm foundation. He has been there beside you too! That big “S” that you wear on your chest didn't happen by accident. The bible says that He will never leave me or forsake me. During all of my laughter and through my many tears, He has always guided me in every situation. So when you feel weak, remember He is right by your side. When you don't think that you can move another muscle, He is your biggest cheerleader. When you get into a spot where life feels like more than you can handle, take a look at what the Lord says about you! You are Tenacious. Your perseverance is remarkable. As a Mom, you consistently push through obstacles with unwavering commitment to your goals. You are Courageous. Mom’s often take bold steps, stand up to what they think is just, even when faced with opposition or adversity. You can do this! You are Radiant. The love of Jesus shines brightly to all those who you come in contact with, inspiring positivity and hope. You are Unstoppable. Mom, once you set your sights on a goal, you exhibit an unwavering drive to help your children pursue their dreams and desires. You are Fierce. With a spirit that is unyielding, as a Mom, you will protect your family at all costs. You are Inspiring. Moms believe in their kids. We believe that all things are possible with God and encourage our families to go where no child has ever gone before! Mom, you are the architects of our character, teaching us values of kindness, empathy, and resilience. With every hug, every word of encouragement, you instill in us the confidence to pursue our passions and overcome obstacles. Your laughter brings joy to our lives, while your tears remind us of the depth of your love. As a mom myself, I celebrate not just the role you play but the remarkable individuals you are. You are the heart of the family, the keeper of traditions, and the source of unconditional love. Each moment shared, each lesson taught, and every story told weaves an unbreakable bond that shapes who we are. To all mothers, whether near or far, biological or chosen, your impact is profound and everlasting. Today, we celebrate you, not just for the love you give, but for the incredible people you are. Happy Mother’s Day! Kathy Vallotton

Character and Gifting: Favor with God and Favor with Man

By Kris Vallotton • March 5, 2025

Have you ever felt called to a spiritual role but struggled to find your place in it? Perhaps you've experienced a divine moment where God revealed a prophetic gift in your life, yet you found yourself wondering why others don't seem to recognize or acknowledge it. This tension between divine calling and human recognition can be one of the most challenging aspects of walking in prophetic ministry. I've spoken with countless individuals who believe God has called them to be prophets, yet they feel frustrated when church leadership doesn't immediately recognize their office. They often share powerful testimonies of divine encounters or prophetic words that confirmed their calling. But here's the beautiful truth I've discovered: authentic spiritual authority requires both divine appointment and human recognition. Scripture shows us that even Jesus "increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52). This powerful verse reveals an important principle – spiritual authority flourishes at the intersection of Heaven's approval and earthly recognition. The Bible offers us profound wisdom about this journey of walking out our prophetic calling. Let's explore three essential principles that can help you navigate this path with grace and wisdom. 1. Understand the Process Between Anointing and Appointment King David's story provides one of the most powerful examples of the gap between divine calling and public recognition. When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came upon him powerfully – yet David didn't actually become king for fourteen years! During that time, he served faithfully, developed his character, and waited for God's timing. The journey between your prophetic calling and your public commissioning is not an accident – it's divine design. This season of preparation builds the character, wisdom, and spiritual maturity needed to carry the weight of prophetic authority. Just as David was anointed three times – once by God through Samuel and twice by the people – your prophetic gift may require multiple confirmations. Remember that if you have favor with God but not yet with leadership, pushing for recognition prematurely can lead to painful experiences. As Proverbs 18:16 reminds us, " A man's gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men. " Allow your gift to create the space for your ministry rather than trying to force open doors that aren't ready to receive you. 2. Avoid Self-Promotion and Political Maneuvering It’s important to realize that even though your gift is what gets you into the room, your character is the thing that keeps you there. There's a stark warning in Scripture about gaining influence through manipulation rather than divine timing. Absalom, David's son, shows us the danger of winning people's hearts through flattery, false promises, and undermining leadership. He created a following by positioning himself as more accessible and understanding than the established authority. In today's social media age, the temptation toward self-promotion has never been stronger. We can easily build platforms that elevate our image above our character. But true prophetic authority doesn't come through marketing yourself as an expert – it comes through humble service, consistent character, and divine timing. James 4:6 reminds us that " God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. " When we push for recognition prematurely or through manipulation, we may gain a position but miss the protection that comes with proper promotion. Like Joseph, who shared his prophetic dreams prematurely with his brothers, our lack of wisdom can create a much more difficult path to our destiny than God intended. 3. Embrace the Preparation Process The weight of the prophetic office is both invisible and substantial. I've witnessed many genuinely called individuals crumble under the pressure of premature promotion. The apostle Paul wisely instructed that leaders " should first be tested and then let them serve " (1 Timothy 3:10), and warned against laying hands on anyone hastily (1 Timothy 5:22). True preparation for prophetic ministry involves more than just having accurate prophetic words. It requires developing spiritual maturity, biblical understanding, relational wisdom, and emotional health. If you sense a prophetic calling on your life, embrace the preparation process with patience and humility. Serve faithfully where you are. Allow trusted leaders to speak into your life and development. Study the Scriptures diligently. And remember that the process between the promise and the palace is not just necessary – it's a gift that prepares you to succeed when your time comes. My prayer for you is that you would find peace in God's timing for your prophetic journey. May you grow in both favor with God and with people, allowing the Lord to develop in you the character needed to carry His voice with integrity. Let me be clear- the path to your prophetic purpose isn't just about reaching a destination – it's about becoming the person who can faithfully steward the authority that comes with it.

NEWSLETTER