5 Red Flags to Consider Before Marriage - Kris Vallotton

February 8, 2019

Have you ever looked at a couple that’s about to get engaged or married and thought, “STOP! What the heck are you thinking?!”

How is it possible for those in the relationship to be completely blind to the same glaring red flags of unhealthiness that seem to slap you in the face every time you look at them?

Lately, I’ve been sharing about the negative side effects of our fatherless generation and how those effects impact our current dating culture (or lack thereof). I propose that the restoration of family and marriages will shift culture, echo into the moral issues we currently see playing out in society, and will ultimately shape history! Promoting and preserving healthy marriages are keys to transforming the world!

Several years ago, I was one of the primary marriage counselors at Bethel Church. In that time, I saw my share of broken relationships and marriages that were facing seemingly impossible situations. As I observed the disappointments, betrayals, and torments plaguing the couples in my office, I learned that many of the challenges they were facing could have been avoided by paying attention to the red flags that inevitably fluttered before their eyes prior to the wedding day.

Unconscious ignorance, and sometimes straight-up stupidity, get in the way of couples seeing their relationships clearly! In the worst situations, they commit to a marriage that will surely be marked by struggles, stress and striving!

The truth is that the path to a painful or tragic marriage is avoidable! If you’re considering taking the beautiful leap into covenant but are unsure about your decision, I encourage you to pump the breaks. Today I want to share some fatherly advice with you when it comes to choosing your forever partner. Consider these red flags, and seriously stop and pay attention to them before saying “I do.”

5 Red Flags That Should Make you STOP Before Getting Married

1) If someone says they love you but they refuse to respect you, they are lying. An example of this if they say, “If you love me, then you’ll have sex with me.” The truth is, if they loved you they would protect your virtues! If they disrespect you in this way they are most likely thinking and speaking from their raging hormones, not their heart!

2) Never marry someone to fix or change them; it never works! If they have serious issues to work through; porn, drinking, drugs, cheating, lying, etc., the reality is, that’s what you are marrying. It may be hard but if this is where you’re at, it’s time to face the facts. Marrying someone to be their savior is a bad plan and will lead to heartache!

Also, serious addictions and unhealthiness aren’t fixed by marriage. I’m not saying that someone with a rough past is disqualified from marriage. I’m simply saying that if they aren’t willing to look at these issues and work through them, then you’re setting your marriage up for pain. Rather, choose someone who has put in the hard work to get healthy, just as you do the same.

3) If your significant other is not open to the feedback and counsel of wise people around you, that is a red flag! They say love is blind but the truth is that love is STUPID blind! Therefore, it’s imperative that you have wise people around you that you give a place to speak into your romantic relationships. Think about it; if you’re about to make the most important decision in your life, not listening to wise people is stupid blind and dangerous.

4) Ladies—however this guy treats his mother, is probably how he will treat you when you marry him. Men—however this girl treats her dad, is probably how she will treat you when you marry her. There are exceptions to this concept, but this is truer than most would admit. If your partner treats their mother or father with disrespect, they’ll likely treat you the same way. This is a warning sign to consider, as respect is necessary for a relationship that will bear the fruit of freedom and love.

5) Ladies, getting pregnant so a guy will stay with you never works! Neither does having children to fix a marriage. It’s a really bad idea to use a child as a band-aid, and in the end do you really want to be in a marriage that you had to manipulate someone to be in? You’re worth being chosen for who you are and don’t need to control someone into a relationship. Ever.

Wisdom Protects!

I want you to hear my heart today. Some of this may sound harsh but it’s because I want to share wisdom that will protect you from heartache in the long run. If you’re in a relationship that has some of these red flags, I encourage you to seek wise counsel from some mentors around you. Process through this in the context of safe community.

If you need to make a hard decision to end an unhealthy relationship, I pray grace, strength, and courage over you today. It may hurt in the short run but I promise you that it’s better to wait for a healthy marriage than to jump into one prematurely simply because it feels good now.

Topics: All TopicsMarriageMorality


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