Kris Vallotton • February 7, 2019

5 Red Flags to Consider Before Marriage

Have you ever looked at a couple that’s about to get engaged or married and thought, “STOP! What the heck are you thinking?!”


How is it possible for those in the relationship to be completely blind to the same glaring red flags of unhealthiness that seem to slap you in the face every time you look at them?


Lately, I’ve been sharing about the negative side effects of our fatherless generation and how those effects impact our current dating culture (or lack thereof). I propose that the restoration of family and marriages will shift culture, echo into the moral issues we currently see playing out in society, and will ultimately shape history! Promoting and preserving healthy marriages are keys to transforming the world!


Several years ago, I was one of the primary marriage counselors at Bethel Church. In that time, I saw my share of broken relationships and marriages that were facing seemingly impossible situations. As I observed the disappointments, betrayals, and torments plaguing the couples in my office, I learned that many of the challenges they were facing could have been avoided by paying attention to the red flags that inevitably fluttered before their eyes prior to the wedding day.


Unconscious ignorance, and sometimes straight-up stupidity, get in the way of couples seeing their relationships clearly! In the worst situations, they commit to a marriage that will surely be marked by struggles, stress and striving!


The truth is that the path to a painful or tragic marriage is avoidable! If you’re considering taking the beautiful leap into covenant but are unsure about your decision, I encourage you to pump the breaks. Today I want to share some fatherly advice with you when it comes to choosing your forever partner. Consider these red flags, and seriously stop and pay attention to them before saying “I do.”


5 RED FLAGS THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU STOP 

BEFORE GETTING MARRIED


1) If someone says they love you but they refuse to respect you, they are lying. An example of this if they say, “If you love me, then you’ll have sex with me.” The truth is, if they loved you they would protect your virtues! If they disrespect you in this way they are most likely thinking and speaking from their raging hormones, not their heart!


2) Never marry someone to fix or change them; it never works! If they have serious issues to work through; porn, drinking, drugs, cheating, lying, etc., the reality is, that’s what you are marrying. It may be hard but if this is where you’re at, it’s time to face the facts. Marrying someone to be their savior is a bad plan and will lead to heartache!


Also, serious addictions and unhealthiness aren’t fixed by marriage. I’m not saying that someone with a rough past is disqualified from marriage. I’m simply saying that if they aren’t willing to look at these issues and work through them, then you’re setting your marriage up for pain. Rather, choose someone who has put in the hard work to get healthy, just as you do the same.


3) If your significant other is not open to the feedback and counsel of wise people around you, that is a red flag! They say love is blind but the truth is that love is STUPID blind! Therefore, it’s imperative that you have wise people around you that you give a place to speak into your romantic relationships. Think about it; if you’re about to make the most important decision in your life, not listening to wise people is stupid blind and dangerous.


4) Ladies—however this guy treats his mother, is probably how he will treat you when you marry him. Men—however this girl treats her dad, is probably how she will treat you when you marry her. There are exceptions to this concept, but this is truer than most would admit. If your partner treats their mother or father with disrespect, they’ll likely treat you the same way. This is a warning sign to consider, as respect is necessary for a relationship that will bear the fruit of freedom and love.


5) Ladies, getting pregnant so a guy will stay with you never works! Neither does having children to fix a marriage. It’s a really bad idea to use a child as a band-aid, and in the end do you really want to be in a marriage that you had to manipulate someone to be in? You’re worth being chosen for who you are and don’t need to control someone into a relationship. Ever.


WISDOM PROTECTS!


I want you to hear my heart today. Some of this may sound harsh but it’s because I want to share wisdom that will protect you from heartache in the long run. If you’re in a relationship that has some of these red flags, I encourage you to seek wise counsel from some mentors around you. Process through this in the context of safe community.


If you need to make a hard decision to end an unhealthy relationship, I pray grace, strength, and courage over you today. It may hurt in the short run but I promise you that it’s better to wait for a healthy marriage than to jump into one prematurely simply because it feels good now.


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3 Practical Ways to Lift Your Spirits If You're Feeling Down this Holiday Season

By Kris Vallotton • November 20, 2024
For many the Holidays can be one of the most beautiful and anticipated times of the year and yet, for others, it can be filled with stress, striving and the straining of our wallets, time and energy. Some families are able to find fellowship in the festivities, gathered around tables with good tidings and joy. The holidays for them often seem similar to the portrayals in the Hallmark movies. At the same time, others are experiencing the reality of fractured friendships and past memories that fuel feelings of loneliness. The holiday season for this group can often serve as a reminder of brokenness and pain. In such a polarizing season it’s important to be intentional about guarding our hearts against cynicism, loneliness and even sadness. Here are 3 Practical ways to lift your spirits if you find yourself getting down during the holiday season. 1. Remember God’s past miracles and works in your life. Remembrance is one of the most powerful positions we can take when facing an emotionally challenging season. In the Old Testament the Israelites would set up stones of remembrance in the places where God did great miracles. Whenever they would travel past them they could look and remember the things that the Lord did in that place. Recount the seasons and situations in your life where the Lord came through and did the miracle. You could go a step further and write them on a piece of paper and hang it somewhere in your house. Psalm 103:2-5 says, Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Let me encourage you, if you are struggling to see a moment worthy of memorial in your life, remember that the greatest memorial you have is meeting Jesus, the one who died for your sins and through whom you can have access to and perfect relationship with God the Father. 2. Cultivate thankfulness in your heart no matter how you “feel.” Thankfulness is the fruit of humility and the offspring of gratitude towards God. Giving thanks shouldn’t just be relegated to one day a year, but rather it should be a lifestyle. After all, the power of thankfulness goes far beyond connecting us around a beautiful table. Thankfulness is the door to happiness and the gate to heaven (remember, we enter His gates with thanksgiving). It’s the cure for arrogance, the inoculation for depression and it’s a force against the spirit of entitlement. Thankfulness is the fruit of humility and the offspring of gratitude towards God. Thankfulness has saved many marriages, rescued children from the grips of bitterness, and delivered countless souls from the political spirit. Thankfulness is a field that must be cultivated, weeded and seeded. So what will you do to get the soil of your heart ready this season? I want to challenge you to express thankfulness for the things you see everyday. It could be the meal you had this morning, the ability to connect with your community, or even for the clothes on your back! Take it a step further and express your thanksgiving out loud, even if it's only for you to hear. 3. Fight Isolation and discipline yourself into community. A common pain point for many people during the Holidays is the feeling of loneliness. There’s something about knowing that people gather everywhere that can press the wound of someone that is struggling with loneliness. There is a very real temptation to isolate and wallow in misery. We all have a deep need to feel like we belong to a place or group. This need is healthy because we’re made to live in connection with others. The challenge is, there are countless devices at our fingertips that give us a false sense of community and connection; they are a temporary aid to the deep need for real deep connection . I want to challenge you to pick up your phone and call someone when the temptation to isolate comes up. Find someone to be with, even if it's for a quick coffee or lunch on the weekend. Galatians 6:2 calls us to, “Carry each other's Burdens…” Don’t deny someone the chance to love and care for you. Whether the holidays are your favorite time of year, or you want to fall asleep and wake up in March, I want to encourage you to lean into what God wants to do in your heart for this season. If the holidays are hard for you, let’s believe together that this could be the year of redemption!

The Power of Authenticity: Embracing Your Imperfections in a Photoshopped World

By Kris Vallotton • November 5, 2024
Have you ever felt the pressure to be perfect? To hide your flaws and present a polished version of yourself to the world? I know I have. But what if I told you that your imperfections are actually your greatest strength? A few years ago I was able to visit Winston Churchill's home, and something seemingly simple struck me. It wasn't the trophies or accolades that covered the walls, but there was a single worn leather cracked chair where Churchill sat and a well-used desk with the finish worn off where he crafted his speeches. It was these imperfections that told a story of a life lived fully, of struggles overcome, of a legacy forged through adversity. In our world of Instagram filters and carefully curated social media profiles and descriptions, we've lost sight of the beauty in our brokenness, the importance of our imperfections. We've forgotten that it's our flaws that make us human, relatable, and ultimately, powerful. The apostle Paul understood this when he wrote, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul in his wisdom understood the importance of boasting in his weakness. The wise see weakness as the key to God’s power prevailing at its perfect timing. Let me be clear: God doesn't call us to be perfect. He calls us to be authentic. The challenge is that we don’t typically embrace our weakness in a way that leads to power. So how do we embrace our imperfections and live authentically in a world that demands perfection? Here are 3 ways you can subtly shift your thinking about your imperfections and see the power in your weakness. 1. Acknowledge Your Weaknesses It's time we stop hiding our flaws and start owning them. When we acknowledge our weaknesses, we open ourselves up to growth and connection. Remember, it's in our vulnerability that others find the courage to be real too. There are many people living in denial about their weakness and putting on the mask of perfection. When we don’t acknowledge our weakness we make no room for God’s Power to be made perfect. Weakness does not mean powerlessness. 2. Celebrate Your Unique Journey Your story, with all its ups and downs, is what makes you who you are. Instead of comparing yourself to others, celebrate the unique path God has led you on. Your experiences, even the painful ones, have shaped you and equipped you for your purpose. It’s easy to slip into a victim mindset and go down the winding mental path of “what if”, but your story isn't a surprise to the Lord. 3. Trust the Word of the Lord. There are many stories in the Bible where God would call someone to do something when they are unqualified. He told Moses to be a voice for the people when he had a stutter and He called David to be a King when he was just a boy. What I’m getting at is that God can’t lie. When the Lord has spoken something over you that becomes your truth, but the timing is in His hands. One day at church a woman came up to me and said that I had the mantle of C.S. Lewis. I actually laughed at her and said, “That would have to be God!” I have no education and can’t even spell, let alone write! Writing was most definitely a weakness of mine, but God’s word doesn’t return void. I acknowledged my weakness and trusted the word over my life, I started writing about a year after that. It wasn’t easy at first, it took hard work, discipline, and even tears! Now I’ve written over a dozen books as well as other written content and curriculum. I'm still not very good at spelling, but the Lord's strength is made perfect in my weakness. So today, I challenge you to embrace your flaws. To step out from behind the masks and filters. To be courageously, beautifully, authentically you. Because the world doesn’t need more perfect people; it needs more authentic ones. Remember, in God's economy, it's not the flawless who change the world. It's the broken, the imperfect, the ones who know their need for grace. And that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing of all! Where have you seen God’s power working through your weakness? Share in the comments to bring encouragement to others!

4 Physical Habits That Lead To A Healthier Spiritual Life

By Kris Vallotton • October 2, 2024
In a world that constantly demands our attention, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Social media, with its endless notifications and comparisons, can fuel stress and anxiety, leaving us depleted and disconnected. The pressure to keep up can quietly erode our sense of peace and well-being, and oftentimes we are left wondering “what happened?” Picture this: It's 2 AM, and you're still laying in bed scrolling through your phone, eyes burning from the blue light. The alarm is set for 6 AM, but sleep seems like a distant dream. You know you should put it away, but something is drawing you back in. Sound familiar? You're not alone. In fact, this scenario is playing out in homes across the world, night after night. But what if I told you that this seemingly innocent habit could be wreaking havoc on your spiritual well being? Beneath the surface of these digital distractions lie deeper spiritual realities. The Bible reminds us that we are not merely bodies or minds, but eternal souls. Ephesians 6:12 says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” When we lose sight of this truth, we open the door to struggles that impact our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. What I’m getting at is, the enemy will use the physical things of this world to lure us into a spiritual stronghold. Some of the problems that you may be facing today may be more spiritual than you think, but they can be solved in the physical! Proverbs 17:22 tells us, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." How true this is! But in our fast-paced, always-on world, finding that joy can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. So, how do we reclaim our joy and restore balance to our lives? Let me share with you 4 simple yet powerful physical habits that can lead to a healthier spiritual life: 1. Stop Forsaking Sleep There was a study done quite a few years ago that showed that since the invention of the lightbulb we are getting an hour less of sleep per night than before! Now we have smart phones that charge an arm's length away from our pillows constantly calling for our attention. Psalm 4:8 says “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Create a bedtime routine, dim the lights, and put away those screens. Your brain will thank you. 2. Soak Up the Sun We've become a society of cave dwellers, spending most of our time indoors. But our bodies crave sunlight! Make it a point to step outside every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. Let the warmth of the sun remind you of God's constant presence in your life. God made a beautiful creation, go outside and enjoy it! 3. Manage Your Stress In a world where bad news is just a click away, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. The reality is that we weren’t created to be all knowing, and we are unable to bear the burdens of the world. Only Jesus can do that! God tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 , "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Take time to disconnect, pray, cast your cares on him and find peace in His presence. 4. Move Your Body Our ancestors didn't need gym memberships – their daily lives provided all the exercise they needed. While we can't all go back to plowing fields, we can make a conscious effort to incorporate more movement into our days. You don't have to run a marathon, take the stairs, go for a walk, or have a dance party in your living room! Our bodies are wonderfully complex creations, and sometimes, the simplest changes can have the most profound effects. The challenge is to recognize that our mental health is not just about what's happening in our heads – it's about how we're living our lives. It's about the choices we make every day, from when we go to bed, how much time we spend outdoors, and the situations we allow to burden our heart. With all this in mind, I want to encourage you to take a good, hard look at your lifestyle. Are you giving your body and mind what they need to thrive? Or are you, like so many of us, caught up in the whirlwind of modern life, neglecting the basics that keep us balanced? It's time to hold to these small simple habits, and reclaim the joy and peace that God intends for us to have. Take time to reflect—are you giving your body and mind what they need to thrive? Prioritize the small habits that make up your daily life and reclaim the joy and peace God intends for you.
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