Kris Vallotton • October 11, 2017

Why Swearing You Won’t Be Like Your Parents Never Works

I have counseled a lot people over the years and have observed a common pattern among many of them: People typically become like the person they most despise. Alcoholics for instance, are commonly raised by alcoholic parents. At some point in the counseling session, there’s nearly always a statement like, “I swore I would never be like the person who abused me, but I have become just like them.” I know this struggle well myself.


Our past can become a prison that perpetuates the bondage of those who hurt us in the first place. Somehow we unintentionally reproduce that same destructive culture in ourselves and in those around us. There are a few common ways that this happens in us. One of the ways we tether ourselves to the past is by reacting to those who abused us and spending our lives trying not to be like them.



I BECAME LIKE MY STEPFATHERS




In spite of struggling not to be like my stepfathers through most of my early life, I started becoming an angry man just like them.


During my early twenties I managed an automotive repair shop. My temper was already growing out of control. I remember one of those times distinctly. A customer came in to pick up his car, but we were running late and it wasn’t finished. He had somewhere he needed to be so he was a little upset. He kept coming into the shop and asking if we were done. The third time he came in, I got so mad that I grabbed a two-foot long wrench and threw it all the way across the shop at him. It was a good thing that he ducked because it barely missed his head.



WE BECOME WHAT WE IMAGINE



I was becoming the very person I despised. One day I was reading the Old Testament and began to receive insight about my struggle through the story of Jacob and his father-in-law. Jacob married into a family that gave him some of his own medicine. He worked for his father-in-law, Laban, for seven years so that he could marry Laban’s daughter Rachel. When he woke up on the honeymoon morning, Leah was in his bed. Laban had neglected to tell him that their family tradition dictated that the oldest daughter marry first. He finagled another seven years of work out of Jacob with this trick because Jacob still wanted Rachel. Thankfully he got her on credit! He received her a week later and then paid for her in small monthly installments over the next seven years.


After 14 years of mistrust and dishonesty, Jacob was ready to leave. He told his father-in-law to give him what was his so he could go his own way. Laban was no fool. He knew that Jacob was making him a fortune. Laban told Jacob to name his wage and stay with him. Jacob knew that no matter what his wages were, his father-in-law would find some way to cheat him out of it. He said, “You have changed my wage ten times!” Jacob told Laban that he would work for all the spotted and speckled sheep and goats. These animals would become his wage. They struck a deal.



WHAT’S IN YOUR WATERING TROUGH?



I am sure that Laban thought that he got to Jacob again as there were probably very few spotted and speckled among the flocks. But the story takes on the most unusual twist. Jacob carved branches, exposing the white beneath the bark. He then put the branches in front of the watering troughs whenever the best of the sheep were drinking and mating there. This resulted in the strongest sheep and goats giving birth to spotted and speckled offspring. Before long, Jacob became rich because his flocks prospered while Laban’s flocks were feeble.


As I pondered this unusual passage, it dawned on me that this was not a lesson in agriculture! God was demonstrating how we, His sheep, reproduce. The watering hole is a place of reflection, which means both gazing at something and meditating on it. Meditation involves our imagination. If we feed our imagination with thoughts of what we don’t want to become and drink from the well of regret, we reproduce that very thing in ourselves. It doesn’t matter what we want to reproduce. It’s only important what we imagine while we are thinking and drinking at the watering hole of our imagination.



THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR IMAGINATION



Proverbs says, “For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Prov. 23:7). Our imagination is a very powerful part of our being. Everything that has ever been built, made, painted, or developed began in someone’s imagination. We tend to reproduce what we feast our thoughts upon.


What I am realizing about many of us is that we spend much of our lives reacting to what we don’t want to be instead of responding to the call of God on our lives. We waste a lot of energy trying not to be something. In order to not be something I have to keep it in front of me so that I can avoid it. The crazy thing is that I reproduce what I imagine. If I see what I don’t want to be, just envisioning it causes me to reproduce it. This explains why so many people grow up mistreating their children in the same way that their parents abused them. They promised themselves that they would never become like their folks, but they became just like them.


MEDITATE ON THE VISION



We break out of this prison by responding to the call of God on our lives and meditating on His vision for us. The word meditation is related to the word medicine. In a positive sense, meditation means to think in such a way as to make oneself healthy. We become the person that He has called us to be when we meditate on the things of God and dream His dreams. The Psalmist wrote, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). Bill Johnson has a creative definition of desire. He breaks it down into two parts: “de” meaning “of,” and “sire” meaning “to father.” When we delight ourselves in God, instead of hanging out in our past, He becomes the father, the sire, of our dreams. Is it easy for you to focus on the call God has on your life instead of on your past? How do you do that? I’d love to hear your insights in the comments!


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If you’re interested in more on the subject of finding your royal identity in God and working through the pain of your past, I’ve created a curriculum to go along with my book, Supernatural Ways of Royalty. It launches on October 17th, but you can pre-order it now by clicking here. The curriculum box set includes DVD teachings, a paperback book, an interactive manual for participants and a leader’s guide! It’s great for working through as a small group!

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4 Lessons After 50 Years of Marriage

By Kris Vallotton • February 12, 2025
Kathy and I are celebrating our 50th anniversary this year, and we’ve been together for 54. We’ve experienced highs and lows together and built a life I never imagined possible! Over the past 50+ years, we’ve learned a few things that I want to share with you to help your marriage thrive!  Know when to sacrifice pleasure for the pursuit of joy. Kathy and I have learned when to sacrifice pleasure for the pursuit of joy; this is the discipline of laying down your life for another. A practical example of this is when people find out we have horses. They say, “Oh wow, Kris, you have horses!” My response to them goes something like this, “No, I don’t have horses. Kathy has horses. I only pay for the horses.” Their next question for me usually is, “Don’t you like horses?” To which I respond, “No, I don’t like horses, but I like Kathy.” You see, I get a lot of joy out of doing what Kathy wants to do. I am willing to sacrifice my own pleasure to pursue what develops joy in our marriage. It’s not one-sided, Kathy does the same for me. 2. Forgiveness restores the standard. If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, then you know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. The person that you love and cherish at the deepest level is the same person that will stretch, challenge, and offend you. I learned this lesson years ago when my kids were teenagers. I became angry with Kathy in front of them and treated her disrespectfully. An hour later, I apologized, and she forgave me. Colossians 3:13 tells us that “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive". The truth is, forgiveness restores the standard of holiness in us and through us. 3. It’s not bad if your spouse thinks differently than you. Men and women think differently, and this is metaphorically demonstrated in the way they were created. Please understand what I am trying to communicate here. I am not at all trying to dishonor either gender. I know that women and men are equally intelligent. When Kathy and I got married, I didn’t understand marriage or women at all. I was so ignorant that it wasn’t even funny. I just had no value for Kathy’s opinion, while we were making decisions, when she refused to produce the facts for her conclusions. She often prefaced her statements with phrases like, “I feel like...,” “It troubles me that...,” “I don’t feel good about that...,” and so on. But what I learned over time, as many of my great decisions began to turn into mistakes, was that her “It feels like” or “This troubles me” were often a lot more accurate than the so-called facts! As the years have rolled on, I have learned to invite the rest of me, and my other half, my wife, into all of my decisions. And she has learned the same thing. We were made to be together. We are one flesh, a mystery that continues to unfold with time. 4. Vision gives pain a purpose. It is my conviction that we are living in a generation perishing for lack of vision. This is evident in many different areas of life, but I also see it in marriages. Having a vision for your marriage will help you persevere through the harder seasons that you’ll face together. Many years ago I had a vision where I was standing next to this elderly gentleman and could see him perfectly, but the man could not see me. The older man was surrounded by children and grandchildren telling stories about the family's history, lineage, and favor with God. In the vision he said, “And all of this began with your great-great-grandmother and great-great-grandfather.” I looked up and above the mantle of the fireplace and there was a huge portrait of Kathy and me! The Lord spoke to me and said: “You are no longer to live for a ministry—you are to live to leave a legacy! Your children’s children’s children are depending on you leaving them a world in revival. From this day forward, you will live for a generation that you will never see. You are to have a one-hundred-year vision so that you can build from the future.” This vision of our future helped us in developing a strategy to apprehend God’s goals for our lives, and it was the fuel that kept us going in the harder seasons. Consequently, from that day on, we began to build from the future, as the Lord had said. Let me be clear: you don't have to have a literal vision like I did, but you should have a vision and a direction for the future! ​​Your marriage isn’t just about you, it’s about the generations that will follow. The truth is, the way you love, lead, and fight for your marriage today is building a legacy for your children and their children. So take time with your spouse, dream with God, and dream with each other. Get a vision for your family’s future! The breakthrough you experience now will impact the generations to come.

4 Spiritual Disciplines to Propel Your Growth in the New Year

By Kris Vallotton • January 1, 2025
As we step into 2025, people are often thinking about engaging in the time-honored yet unspoken custom of setting New Year’s Resolutions. Many people jump on the opportunity to develop new healthier habits and pursue positive change with the start of a brand new year. Most New Year's Resolutions revolve around diet and exercise, finances, relationships, and hobbies or personal interests. New Year's Resolutions help by giving people a vision for when they endure the challenges that come with change. Losing 100 pounds or being more diligent with saving money isn't always easy and vision gives pain a purpose! All of these areas are important to focus on, but oftentimes we neglect spiritual topics when forming our resolutions. As we focus on building our physical lives and pursuing health and wholeness with the New Year, it’s crucial not to overlook our spiritual growth and well-being. I’m going to share four spiritual disciplines you can grow in this New Year, along with practical tips to help you follow through. Some of these may appear simple, but when practiced consistently over a long period of time, they can lead to deep transformation! 1. Bible Reading This should come as no surprise, but it can be very difficult to find time on a busy day to sit down and read the Scriptures. Some people have a hard time sitting and being still to read while others are bombarded by the busyness of their lives. I want to encourage you to prioritize your time in the Word this year - I make sure to read at least one chapter each day. It might mean having to sacrifice something. Perhaps it’s waking up earlier to have an extra 30 minutes in your routine. Try leaving your Bible open on your kitchen counter the night before, so you see it in the morning. Maybe you can bring your Bible during your lunch break and have a meal with Jesus. You can even listen to the Bible on audio for your morning commute! My encouragement is to start small and build the habit. 2. Prayer Personal prayer can look different to everyone. Some people have no problem praying for over an hour a day, other people have a hard time finding a moment in an entire week! The goal here is to make sure that we are staying in communion with God. There may be sometimes where you only have two minutes to pray in-between meetings or running errands. There may be other times where you have to go into your room, lock your door and pray in secret for an extended period of time like the Bible says. Let me be clear: the goal is consistent communion with the Father. Try setting reminders or alarms on your phone to go off at certain parts of the day. It doesn't have to be long. These reminders can be specific like, “Pray for my family member” or “Pray for healing for this coworker.” You can write them down on pieces of paper and stick them to the walls in your house. 3. Community This may not feel like a discipline, but one of the most challenging things that a person's spiritual growth could face is solitude. When God created Adam he said that it was not good for man to be alone. We were created for community and Jesus was often found doing ministry and life around a group of people except for the times where he went alone to pray. Stepping out into community can be challenging. Maybe you struggle with fear of rejection, not fitting in, or you're scared of how people will respond when they really begin to know you. If you find yourself being isolated, reach out to some people. Text a friend that you know and trust and share that you want to spend more time around people. If you're part of a local church see what kind of small groups they have to offer. Community is a key for growth in 2025. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” 4. Serving When Jesus was on earth he said in Matthew 20:28 that, “Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Serving was at the center of Jesus’ ministry. He met the physical needs of people by providing food miraculously as well as the spiritual needs of people by offering salvation to everyone who would believe. When we serve people we are like Christ. There may be people coming to your mind already who have a need. They could be in your church family, or a friend from school or work. It doesn’t have to be someone you know! Try paying for someone’s coffee in line and leaving them with some encouragement. There are so many ways that we can serve people and make them feel seen and loved. When they feel seen and loved, they are often very receptive to the Gospel. The power in these disciplines isn’t just doing them once, but in repeating them over a long period of time. As Zechariah 4:10 reminds us, we should not despise small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin. My prayer for you is that what would start as spiritual disciplines would grow into spiritual devotion. That you would find joy in these things and that they would draw you closer to the Father!

3 Ways to Think Differently About Gratitude

By Kris Vallotton • November 27, 2024
During Christmas of 2012 Kathy and I learned a very valuable lesson about gratitude and entitlement… In years past leading up to Christmas we had always gotten a “Christmas want list” from each of our grandkids. Kathy would go through all the lists and pick out only a few items to buy for each of our grandkids. But that year Kathy decided to get them everything on their list! As we bought gifts our Christmas tree soon began to disappear behind a wall of wrapped presents. Christmas morning came and we gathered as a family as I shared the story of baby Jesus. I finished the story of our savior's birth and started handing out the presents. Over the course of 2 hours lights and ornaments began to emerge as our tree slowly became visible again. Suddenly I heard a whimpering cry to my left. I looked over to see my daughter giving a strong correction to one of her children. I went over to investigate and learned that the child was upset because, “Grandma missed one gift.” Kathy has overseen the administration for our businesses for our entire marriage. She’s looked over hundreds of spreadsheets, time cards, and other documents. I had a hard time believing that she would miss a gift on a Christmas list. Kathy went to our office and came back a moment later with a somber look on her face. “I did forget one gift,” she said with compassion. “I’m so sorry,” she explained while choking back tears. Trying to smooth the situation over, she added, “I’ll go tomorrow and buy the gift I missed.” In our quest to bless our family, we had unknowingly sown seeds of entitlement into the soil of their little hearts. Something that was a great sacrifice for us was disregarded in a child's expectation for more. We live in a world where entitlement runs rampant. It doesn’t always look like throwing a temper tantrum over a forgotten gift. Sometimes it can be the anger that comes when your coffee order takes too long, or it can be the person who is driving in front of you who's not driving your preferred speed limit. These small seeds of entitlement can take root in our heart and if we’re not careful they can lead to a life led by pride. Gratitude is what breaks entitlement in your life. I’m going to share 3 ways to think differently about gratitude this season. 1. Gratitude is a discipline. Gratitude is not merely a fleeting emotion but a discipline that aligns our hearts with God’s truth and His will. Gratitude requires intentionality, often going against the grain of our natural tendencies to complain or focus on what we lack. Scripture commands us to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18), not because life is always easy, but because gratitude acknowledges God’s sovereignty and goodness regardless of our situation. Cultivating gratitude as a discipline trains our souls to see life through the lens of God’s faithfulness, fostering a spirit of humility and trust. It shifts our focus from temporal struggles to eternal promises, rooting our joy in the unchanging nature of God rather than the shifting sands of circumstance. 2. Gratitude changes your attitude about situations Gratitude has the power to transform our perspective on even the most challenging situations. From a biblical standpoint, it shifts our focus from what we lack to what God has already provided, reminding us of His faithfulness and provision. When we choose gratitude, we realign our hearts to trust in God's sovereignty and His ability to work all things for our good (Romans 8:28). This perspective doesn't necessarily change the situation itself, but it changes us —replacing fear, frustration, or bitterness with peace, hope, and contentment. Gratitude reframes trials as opportunities for growth and deepens our awareness of God's presence, enabling us to face life's difficulties with a renewed attitude of faith and trust. 3. Gratitude Cures Entitlement Gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. It shifts our hearts from demanding what we believe we deserve to recognizing every blessing as an unmerited gift from God. Entitlement breeds discontentment, rooted in the false belief that we are owed something, while gratitude humbles us, reminding us that all we have comes from God's grace. As James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above," and acknowledging this truth uproots the pride that fuels entitlement. Instead of fixating on unmet expectations, gratitude cultivates a spirit of thanksgiving, teaching us to celebrate God’s goodness and approach life with humility and joy. In this posture, we find freedom from the restless pursuit of "more" and learn the richness of contentment in Christ. As we reflect on the story of that Christmas morning and the lessons it taught us, it’s clear that gratitude is more than a seasonal sentiment—it’s a heart posture that can reshape our lives. Entitlement may creep in subtly, disguised as disappointment or frustration, but gratitude stands as its cure, redirecting our hearts toward humility and joy. This season, let’s commit to cultivating gratitude—not just for the blessings we see, but for the ways God works in every circumstance. May we remember that every good gift comes from Him, and may our hearts overflow with thanksgiving, transforming how we live, love, and give. What are you grateful for? Share in the comments below!
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